Headed to AA

I guess I'm going to keep this brief because I want to head out to an AA meeting this morning.  If I don't do it now I will do it next week.  I actually might wait, I am not sure.  Maybe it it is more important I do yoga, and also I want to send something out from the post office that I've been putting off.

It is so crazy to see how much better I feel once I got the alcohol out of my system.  I really am not usually depressed.  Yes, I do get really sad, and I'm really emotional.....but I'm not catatonic that way I am after I drink.  I know that alcohol is a depressent....yet sheesh, every time I barrel into another drinking excursion I totally blind myself to the repurcussions of the hangover.  It's so terrible to feel like the dark ceiling of existence is falling down on me.  Now this is day four and I feel energetic and inspired by possibilities.  Of course theres other not-so-rosey feelings lurking and swirling in my conciousness, but overall I usually have a feeling of gratitude and curiousity if I had to describe it.

grateful: grateful I didn't fuck up too much with the binge the other day.  still don't like that it happened and still feel like a shithead about my visa, and all the lies i have been telling to cover up my stupidity.  grateful to read magpie's journal......highlighting how alcohol just numbs you.  that's what it does, it just takes away your feelings and diminishes your awareness, so you slowly become just a shallow shell of yourself in a way.  i don't need that.  i need to be strong and learn to handle my unpleasant emotions, and to be myself without a crutch.  sometimes it just doesn't seem as fun, but i need to have maturity and also trust myself more in my strength.  sometimes i think that alcohol lets you be in the moment more, which is why memories are scarce....you aren't cataloging memories the whole time, aren't analyzing every moment.  yet i know thats bullshit, becuase when i've taken ecstasy or other drugs, or--you know--had a great time sober--- i know i can feel really high and really amazing and still remember what happened.  to be in the moment does mean you have to forget those moments. 

desire:  i desire not to drink for a long time.  i desire not to smoke pot during the day and also to learn to take days off from smoking pot and going out after i teach so i don't just waste time in my house.  i desire to send out this package that i was supposed to send out months ago to my sister and my mom today.  i desire to finish an article that i told myself i would finish today.  i desire to do yoga today.  maybe i won't go to AA today, but I will go on Monday when I have less things to do.  i desire to follow through with the AA meeting.  just because i don't go today doesn't mean i'm going to blow it off entirely--it means i have other priorities i am focusing on.  i really want to meet some people here who have this problem too, because i don't like to sound like a broken record with my friends (i try to keep to a minimum at any rate), and also i'm noticing when i meet people i end up telling them about my drinking problem like right off the bat.....i really don't want this to be a huge part of my identity.  so i desire to have a community of people who will be more like counselors to me, who can really understand what a huge shadow this can be.

brag's:  nothing really.  maybe that i curbed my binge and didn't lose my job.  HA.  not really a brag.  did a short yoga video yesterday and went on a long hike yesterday up behind my house that felt good.

i simply can't make progress if i drink.  it will always steal 3 (usually 4) days from me, minimum.  my hangovers are too intense and my compulsion is too strong.  I will never achieve any of my longterm goals or stay self-motivated if i have this in my life.   i guess i'm back to taking it a day at a time.  day 4 today.  my programming for long-term gratification is fucked.  i need to really start exercising my self-motivation and remember my goals.  my goals are not to be some sloppy party girl who fucks up her opportunities.  sometimes it seems like i look spoiled from the outside, but i'm not.  i always have worked hard and always am thinking about the big picture; i'm always generous and looking out for the underdorg; i am not judgmental and i want everyone to be treated kindly and have fair chances. i am always trying to figure out how to learn more and do better.

 i've been really down lately because my stepdad and my mom gave me 1,500 dollars to invest in my business ain july nd to help me buy a motorbike.  my last boyfriend managed to steal 500 dollars of that (and he treated me like SHIT and took so much more prior to that, so i feel really angry about his snake-ishness), my motorbike that cost 700 got stolen, and i fucked off the rest.  so i'm back to being broke and counting down my weeks to pay day.  oh well, i worked pretty hard this month and should get a better paycheck that last month.  just sucks when my own enemy is myself.  anyway.  let me not dwell on this fact....or i do, let it be a source for change.  PLEASE let me change.

today is a new day and i'm happy for it.  holidays are non-existent for me this year and last year too, actually....for many years now since i always worked on christmas eve at the restaurants...... i'm working on and off all day tomorrow and the next teaching online becuase my company offers extra money when we complete a certain amount of classes.  guess i'm happy that holidays don't mean anything to me anymore so i can make that paper haha.  

going to meet my friend at a coworking space later.  so, right now.....yoga, coffe shop to get good coffee to add in my package for my brother and stepdad then to the post office, then co-working space....then teaching later.  this is what i've decided on.   onward......

i also need to not get hung up on these stupid games the matrix system tries to spring on you.  like last time i was at the post office my bike got a boot on it.  i parked in front of a permantenly closed shop.  all around there were motorbikes parked.  me and another set of foreigners got booted.  had to pay to a taxi to the police shop, pay the fine and then pay for the taxi back.  for no good goddamn reason.  just hate this shit.  just to play you and take your money.  what if i had to go to work???  its shit like that that makes me feel like i can't take this life.  the small shit.  i sweat the inane, unfair bullshit of people and the system.  i need to let go of that.  get over it.  not let it set me back.  OK now i'm really rambling.  let me get a move on this day.