Head vs Heart ...
I try to stay positive. I try to to put out good vibes, be helpful and do work to help those struggling. What do you do when you're the one struggling?
I've successfully kept those that were close to me at arms lengths over the last 13 years. It's easier to say "I'm okay" and not have it questioned when someone doesn't know you well enough to see it in your heart. I have a lot of people in my life, I'm far from alone but I'm not sure I've allowed anyone close enough to "know me" since Randy Lee passed. Self preservation.
I've struggled this year more than I have, for longer than I have in quite a few years. I've always had times of year, moments of sadness but this year it started the beginning of September and it hasn't gone away. His 31 birthday, fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year with out him and approaching his angel date. I always struggle on his angel date. I learned long ago I take that week off from work and just keep to myself.
My husband knows this and is always good about it. This year his mom is still recovering from a stroke she had New Year's Day. We live states apart with us in MD and she's in OH. We've been making the trip weekly to bi-weekly since Jan. 1 and it's taking it's toll too. He wants to go up that week since we're both off for the week. It's not that I don't want to see her, the nieces & nephews but I don't want to interact with others that week. Especially the 16th. The one time a year I just want to be alone, doing nothing just to get through the day.
I have letters & cards piled here to answer, tons of things to do here, projects that need started ... finished yet I have no interest. I can't focus to do anything even my work is starting to show. I've tried, I'm trying ... I just can't fix this.
Grief is lifelong when the loss is your child. There's a void nothing can fill ... and you don't want it to anyway. My love for Randy Lee rolled into my passion to help others who were struggling with addiction and mental illness. I still love the work I'm just struggling with my own sadness.
Suicide isn't an answer, I know that and it's really not me. I'm a control freak. I just know this sadness is slowing robbing me of my passions and desires. My weight loss is failing. 140lbs off and I've gain almost 20 back. I'm eating like crap. All my vitamins & minerals are rock bottom (except B12!!) and it's because I'm not eating right, not exercising. My knee is to the point I have to have the surgery because otherwise I'm going to be immobile. FEAR keeps me from it. The sadness creeps into all parts of my life.
24 days until my least favorite date of the year. March 16, 2003 changed my life to a degree I never realized possible. I still feel broken, missing a part, I feel empty.
So, I'm sure I'll find my way back. I'm sure this is just another bump in life's road and happening for a reason. Please, if you're inclined, say a prayer or thought for this to pass and that I'm able to maneuver life this year on the one day I would rather forget it.
I've successfully kept those that were close to me at arms lengths over the last 13 years. It's easier to say "I'm okay" and not have it questioned when someone doesn't know you well enough to see it in your heart. I have a lot of people in my life, I'm far from alone but I'm not sure I've allowed anyone close enough to "know me" since Randy Lee passed. Self preservation.
I've struggled this year more than I have, for longer than I have in quite a few years. I've always had times of year, moments of sadness but this year it started the beginning of September and it hasn't gone away. His 31 birthday, fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year with out him and approaching his angel date. I always struggle on his angel date. I learned long ago I take that week off from work and just keep to myself.
My husband knows this and is always good about it. This year his mom is still recovering from a stroke she had New Year's Day. We live states apart with us in MD and she's in OH. We've been making the trip weekly to bi-weekly since Jan. 1 and it's taking it's toll too. He wants to go up that week since we're both off for the week. It's not that I don't want to see her, the nieces & nephews but I don't want to interact with others that week. Especially the 16th. The one time a year I just want to be alone, doing nothing just to get through the day.
I have letters & cards piled here to answer, tons of things to do here, projects that need started ... finished yet I have no interest. I can't focus to do anything even my work is starting to show. I've tried, I'm trying ... I just can't fix this.
Grief is lifelong when the loss is your child. There's a void nothing can fill ... and you don't want it to anyway. My love for Randy Lee rolled into my passion to help others who were struggling with addiction and mental illness. I still love the work I'm just struggling with my own sadness.
Suicide isn't an answer, I know that and it's really not me. I'm a control freak. I just know this sadness is slowing robbing me of my passions and desires. My weight loss is failing. 140lbs off and I've gain almost 20 back. I'm eating like crap. All my vitamins & minerals are rock bottom (except B12!!) and it's because I'm not eating right, not exercising. My knee is to the point I have to have the surgery because otherwise I'm going to be immobile. FEAR keeps me from it. The sadness creeps into all parts of my life.
24 days until my least favorite date of the year. March 16, 2003 changed my life to a degree I never realized possible. I still feel broken, missing a part, I feel empty.
So, I'm sure I'll find my way back. I'm sure this is just another bump in life's road and happening for a reason. Please, if you're inclined, say a prayer or thought for this to pass and that I'm able to maneuver life this year on the one day I would rather forget it.
Replies
I hear and feel your grief and pain. Birthdays and holidays are always the hardest. Hang in there with your weight and try to get back on your diet. You have worked too hard to lose so much.....and you will feel so much better when you get your health back on track.
I can understand how you feel about the knee surgery. I will be going in mid march to have knee replacement surgery for my left knee and have a lot of anxiety about it. But from talking to others who have had it, you will feel so much better and be so glad you did it after it heals.
You are in my prayers that all this will soon pass for you and you can get your life back on track. Sending love and understanding. Katrina
I understand. It is so hard to get through those special days without our loved ones. Please try to eat healthy and keep that weight off. You worked so hard to lose it. Prayers and hugs, Paula
It is so hard to get through birthdays, angel dates, and the holidays without our children near us. I often like time alone as well. Sometimes we all feel as though no one sees the real us, the sadness that still lingers inside. I will say a prayer that this year will be tender on your heart.
Sending love,
Leda