he's back

not just physically. not just angrily sleeping on the couch. his face has changed, and he has returned.
things are not all better, but i swear i feel like i have just gotten home from a war. or back from a foreign country. i feel very, very present, because that is just about all that i can be to live through the pain that i have just experienced.
i responded to two ads for apartments today. i don't want to leave him, but i am getting more ready for it than i ever have before. i think that if it is going to happen, the breakup, that i am going to have to pull the plug very quickly. like, be completely gone in one day. because it will hurt soooo fucking much.
and then sleep for a month.
*         *         *         *         *
there is this silent warning behavior i get from dogs, especially lhasas, that tells me that they are going to be very difficult and very dangerous to groom. the way i can tell this is that when i take them in, and pick them up, they are very quiet and very still. they seem very calm, but really they are waiting, because they are about to put every last ounce of energy into the fight.
i kind of feel like that, as though i'm about to put every last bit of energy i have into protecting myself.