Hate myself so much

Why am I such an idiot? I was rubbing her leg just because I was horny. Hadn't gotten off in a few days and was horny and also because I wanted a little attention from her. I followed her around because I was bored or interested in what she was doing. I wanted to help with the dishes because I wanted to help in general. Took the garbage out instead.  Guess my birthday wish won't come true.  I hate myself so much right now. Why do I have to be so fucking stupid?  Driving is the only thing keeping me from cutting. Haven't eaten in 18 hours and my stomach has finally stopped growling. I feel like such an asshole. That ultimatum was bullshit I never actually plan on enforcing it I just...  I'm not sure what to do now. All my future plans were centered around her. Right now my life feels meaningless. It probably is. Actually I know it is.