Halloween Hell?

Halloween is such a weird day. I love it. Or rather, used to love it. It’s a day where you can literally be anything you want and no one can judge you for it. On the contrary, they will likely praise you for it. You can dress the part, act the part and be whoever the hell you want to be on that night. It’s brilliant for those of us who hide behind a mask every other night of the year, because that could be –if you choose it to be- the night you can be yourself, without fear of being judged. Or that’s what I loved about Halloween at least.

Six years ago, I went to celebrate a night, for the first time, away from family. I went to a party. I was dressed as a vampire. Black leather skirt, black top, red lipstick, white face make-up, and fake fangs dripping fake blood. I was fat, I was ugly, but I was dressed they way I wanted. I chose to be a vampire for almost 5 years in a row, just changed the outfit. But that year was different. That night things spiraled out of control and by now you’ve read my story already so I won’t repeat it. But as Halloween approaches, I’m struggling. What confuses me most is that it has been six years. And throughout those times, I never felt this shit. This year has been the most difficult. It’s been impossible. My memory of him, his presence, the presence of certain reminders that relate to him, it’s all just way too much. I feel like I’m suffocating. Two weeks ago I found his profile. I spent months after the incident trying to find him. I didn’t even know his last name. I stalked mutual friends and searched the university directory, but there were always too many Dareks to limit it down and I guess he didn’t have Facebook at the time –or not one I was able to locate anyway-. But then suddenly, SIX FUCKING YEARS LATER, he’s on my homepage commenting on a mutual friend’s post. The shock I was in, I can’t even describe it. I was baffled by it. Like, seriously life? Six motherfucking years later when I have finally started to let go, you shove him in my face?! WHY? Why did he have to show up? Weren’t all my lows, my tears at night, and my uncontrollable jumps when people pass by me unannounced, and all the other shitty aftereffects enough for you? Wasn’t all of that sufficient that you just had to go and shove him in my face again?!

Six years. Within that time, I have never felt that he held so much power over me. Never have I felt that he had such a hold on my life. I always pushed through. That night, his actions were not something that I dwelled on. At least not throughout the past few years. Yes, I did have memories, especially around Oct 30, but I always pushed them aside. I still celebrated Halloween, I went out, I got drunk, I partied, and I came home feeling like shit. But you know what, the next day I got up and my life kept rolling. This year, nothing is rolling. I’m so depressed and so down. I’m scared and I tend to give off such negative vibes. I never want to get out of bed, I don’t want to interact with people, I just want to sit in my bed and be alone. I want to lock myself far away from human kind. And it’s like the world is against me. Yesterday my friend called me up to go out. At first I said no, Im in a bad mood, blab la bla, but she convinced me that it’ll be good for me, get me out of my own head, etc. Well, I wish I stayed home. Because life decided to be a bitch again and who should I run into but the guy who introduced my to Darek. Someone I haven’t spoken with in maybe 4 or 5 years. I still see him on social media, but we never talk and I hadn’t seen him in person since 2011. Off all the pubs in the city, of all the tiny hole in the walls, why did he come to this one? Why was he there on the same night that I was trying so hard to get my mind off of Darek and the possible events of that motherfucking night!!!!!! Why is this year so filled with these links and signs and bits and pieces of that night? Why can’t it all be left behind in the past? I understand that I have to talk it out to hurt less, but talking it out with R or with my friends on my own pace is a totally different story than me having constant reminders SPECIFIC to him. These aren’t day-to-day things that I just happen to link to Darek; these are things that directly relate to him. And the only thing I think of when I hear the name Darek is that dreaded dark –mostly blank- night.