Had a much needed fun night out

Threw all inhibitions out the window and just had a rocking good time with friends. It was Amanda's boyfriend Raul's birthday, and her Uncle Danny's birthday. We had the usual house party, at the birdland house. I originally planned to have one or two glasses of wine really early in the night, then sober up to drive home. I stopped drinking at 6:30, decided to wait and see how I felt, by 8:30 I decided I wanted to stay. I finished my bottle, and another bottle was opened. I finished it too. Her mom/step-dad and I have always had an amazing rapport, but recently, Jerome and I have been getting a bit deeper in our conversations. His mother passed away not long ago, and mine passed almost 2 years ago. Every now and then I would see him hiding, and join him. I could join him because I understood that he needed to feel it, he needed to miss her in that moment. I still have my moments, moments where I miss my mom. Moments where I miss the relationship I had with my dad. The relationship that died when he almost died. It would be easier if he had, to be completely honest. I would feel less empty, less hurt, and I shared that feeling with Jerome. I will always have the memory of my dad at my wedding, but he's basically a ghost in my life. He doesn't want me in his, and I can't force him to feel otherwise.

Recently I've felt the need to just talk about my grief. We're coming up to the time when everything happened. The time when I found out my mom had cancer, finding out Christmas day that she was going to die and there was nothing that could be done, and new years day when she died. She didn't want treatment, she didn't want chemo, she just wanted to live in her house till she didn't live anymore. We made her go to the hospital, we encouraged chemo to extend her life... The chemo killed her. The doctor's didn't catch a "bowel obstruction" ... when they discovered it, they went in to surgically remove it, and found out it wasn't an obstruction. It was cancer. Everywhere. They closed, and called me on Christmas day, to tell me that my mother was going to die. So, here comes another Christmas. As everyone around us gets joyous, Jerome and I are somber. Hiding away, having our moments of sadness. Feeling them, grabbing a drink, then dancing it out. I needed last night, more than I knew I did.