GUILTY
I went to the psychologist at the Hospital for Joint Desease yesterday for my clearance for surgery. My sister and best friend came with me. Naturally, as soon as he started talking about Jackie and asking me questions, I broke down. Now, I'm on xanax and prozac so breaking down at this point is crying, not hysterical, or uncontrollable as I was. My surgeon is concerned for my recovery. Total knee replacement. The physical therapy is very painful. He didn't want undue stress. He wants me totally committed. So I told the doctor through my tears that when would b the right time. I lost my baby and will never get over it. I am in so much pain that I need the surgery.
He cleared me. He said under such horrible circumstances he thinks i'm doing ok. I have a wonderful support group in family and friends, I told him about all my new friends on line and how all of you have been so great, and I go to a Survivors meeting once a month.
WOW, GUILTY, GUILTY GUILTY, Its only 4 months. I'm not OK. I cry every night when I go to sleep talking to Jackie. In the morning I wake up I start tearing up. I keep busy and yes, at sometime during the day I even may laugh. I play cards with friends and go out for dinner, and now me and my sister are making jewelry. What is this feeling. It's like I don't want to be better. She was my child. A piece of my heart is gone. WHY am I going on. The guilt is getting overwhelming. I don't want to have a life. It's not supposed to be this way.
He cleared me. He said under such horrible circumstances he thinks i'm doing ok. I have a wonderful support group in family and friends, I told him about all my new friends on line and how all of you have been so great, and I go to a Survivors meeting once a month.
WOW, GUILTY, GUILTY GUILTY, Its only 4 months. I'm not OK. I cry every night when I go to sleep talking to Jackie. In the morning I wake up I start tearing up. I keep busy and yes, at sometime during the day I even may laugh. I play cards with friends and go out for dinner, and now me and my sister are making jewelry. What is this feeling. It's like I don't want to be better. She was my child. A piece of my heart is gone. WHY am I going on. The guilt is getting overwhelming. I don't want to have a life. It's not supposed to be this way.
Replies
No it is not suppose to be this way.and all your feeling are ok to have we all go through the same thing,some times we want to convince others and are self we are ok, but were not ok a piece of our heart has been ripped out,and it hurts so bad our minds take it away for awhile because we would go crazy and some time we feel crazy. I soe times think my daughter is not gone I can not live with the thought I will not be seeing her again it is to much,and we have guilt if for a short time we may feel good then we think ,how can I feel this way and the guilt hits,like we did something wrong ,this is all part if grieve and we will go through what we have to go through to come to a place that we except what happen,it\'s 6 years for me and I cry every day and I am still wondering ,how can i go on,but some how we do and having support and our friends on here our a big help,I am sending you love from my heart to yours, hugs Squarley
The dr. was right, you are ok for surgery. I know that you will be 1000% committed to your recovery. You lost your precious child... if there is a parent who would not be sad about that when talking about thier child, probably should not have children in the first place
Hugs, MaryLou
Yep, you said it...it\'s NOT supposed to be this way...and gosh the guilt of living life again...just knocks the wind out of you. I cried for crying and I cried for laughing!!! It\'s hard to figure out that living does not mean moving on without..it\'s hard to believe it in the beginning. It was sure hard for me. One thing I know, Kala didn\'t approve and told me so. During my first year of \"firsts without my daughter\", Kala very clearly asked me why I kept univiting her to everything. It was eye opening for me and from that day forward...around the \"first\" thanksgiving...I\'ve never again said \"without my daughter\". Yes the pain of her physical presence not being with me still hurts to this day, always will, but I know Kala is with me and I know it is right for me to live, not just survive. I used to be a fan of Dr. Phil, and will always have a soft spot in my heart for him. One thing he said many years ago that stuck with me was, \"the time spent grieving does not measure the amount of love felt\". I don\'t have to cry to prove my love...I can laugh and sing and dance and be silly and love my child just as much and honor her just as much...actually, more in my opinion. But letting go of the guilt is hard and takes time. I imagine everytime I laugh, Kala laughs and everytime I cry, she cries. I\'d rather have her laughing... Take gentle care of your heart and lots of TLC after (and before) your surgery. Please keep us update with your progress. Lots of love, Teri.
It will be 4 months on the 28th of this month that our Matt became our angel. I know the emotions you are experiencing. I have to force myself to do anything. We will be moving to our new home on the 29th and I am forcing myself to pack. Yesterday I made myself call and book the movers. I will be praying for you.
You need to feel these feelings and grieve this tragic loss in order to be able to heal. We cannot heal what we have not poked around in again and again and again. I visit those places in my head yet my heart reminds me that I have a choice as to how long I choose to stay. Guilt is an emotion that does not serve any of us yet it\'s so very natural for each of us to have to go there. These wise women when I was so early into this journey continued to tell me just to do this moment... I held onto every word and now today three years later the guilt does come it does go yet it does not consume me as it did. You are doing your best and that is all you can ask of yourself.
I hope the surgery goes well and I know many who have had their other knee done because it brought so much release from pain and added a quality to their lives that they did not have before.
Peace to your grieving mother\'s heart and so much loving care. XO Joanie
I am so so fortunate that I have found all of you. This site has brought me so much comfort. I have a place to cry and say whatever I feel because I know you all know and I\'m not alone. i so wish it wasn\'t for the devastating loss of our children that I have met you, but it is and I am so grateful that I have all of you. XXXX OOOO Gail
Gail, I know the guilt of feeling if we enjoy anything that we are leaving our kids behind. No it is not fair our kids are not here, physically but I agree with Teri. I feel I honor Ed more by living my life with kindness and love and even joy. I do believe he is in Paradise with God and that helps but also I know our kids do not want us to suffer the rest of our lives. We will miss them always but the pain does get gentler over time, I promise. Love and hugs, Linda
This road is full of ups and downs...some very violent...but remember the ups...they will help when you are down. Your loss is so recent...the pain so raw...it is all consuming. You are doing the best that you can...so just keep hanging in there. Somehow life gets better...it seems impossible now...but it does happen. Just take each moment one at a time...and keep writing...love and hugs...Karen
I broke down the other week when I went to for mamo..this office was where I had taken my Morgna for an ultra sound..as I sat waiting the tears started, then I needed to sign more papers.. I sat and cried, the ladies were so nice, they held my hands, gave me hugs, no matter how long, it just takes something little to set me off..thoughts and prayers for you for surgery..((hugs)) Nora
We feel sadness and pain, but we need to resist feeling guilt. We have to go on even though it does not seem right and we do feel guilt about living when our child is gone, but we have to go on even though we don\'t like it. I break down all the time. It\'s been 5 months for me. Sending you prayers for moments of true peace. Terry
I have been so down since the other nite. So rediculous what set me off. And I can\'t help it. Watching TV i saw a commercial for Vampire Diaries. OMG, that was our favorite show to watch together. I actually had to take a xanax because I thought I woukd start to get anxioty. And now I got my date for surgey, October 19th. Jackie was my biggest supported to go for the surgery. I suddenly feel so lost without her. Even though I have so much other support. It scares me to think that, maybe I have a good 15 years left. I\'m 62. How can I live without her all these years that I will have left. I thought I was doing a little better. What a stupid thing to se me off, a commercial.