GUILTY

I went to the psychologist at the Hospital for Joint Desease yesterday for my clearance for surgery. My sister and best friend came with me. Naturally, as soon as he started talking about Jackie and asking me questions, I broke down. Now, I'm on xanax and prozac so breaking down at this point is crying, not hysterical, or uncontrollable as I was. My surgeon is concerned for my recovery. Total knee replacement. The physical therapy is very painful. He didn't want undue stress. He wants me totally committed. So I told the doctor through my tears that when would b the right time. I lost my baby and will never get over it. I am in so much pain that I need the surgery.
He cleared me. He said under such horrible circumstances he thinks i'm doing ok. I have a wonderful support group in family and friends, I told him about all my new friends on line and how all of you have been so great, and I go to a Survivors meeting once a month.
WOW, GUILTY, GUILTY GUILTY, Its only 4 months. I'm not OK. I cry every night when I go to sleep talking to Jackie. In the morning I wake up I start tearing up. I keep busy and yes, at sometime during the day I even may laugh. I play cards with friends and go out for dinner, and now me and my sister are making jewelry. What is this feeling. It's like I don't want to be better. She was my child. A piece of my heart is gone. WHY am I going on. The guilt is getting overwhelming. I don't want to have a life. It's not supposed to be this way.