Guilt
I wasted so much time...time flies so fast but you never understand that until it's too late...I can't comprehend the stupid things that I let occupy my time and attention when I had the world right in front of me. I thought I would always have her...and when I started losing her it was too late. All that time, all that time...there was nothing in the world as important or as precious as my child, yet I was so selfish, so caught up in myself and stupid things...I was not present as I should have been. Now, if I could only have a minute, just a minute. I know there were times she needed me and I was not there, either emotionally and sometimes physically. She had to pay for my negligence
Replies
yes, I did the same,,, and I feel the same way....... just another minute,,,,, sigh,,,,
Wishing for that minute with you...
Loving care dearest Gina and so much understanding...
Feeling exactly the same way!! Just wish for another chance to be with my son. Like the old saying goes, \"you never know what you have, until it is gone\". So sad, but so true!!
Oh Gina I can relate. If ony...to go back....((hugs to you today))) Vicki
You loved her. That doesn\'t change things but it matters and she knew. Oh if we only had one more minute....it still wouldn\'t be enough. Much love. robin
Oh Gina. If we only knew then what we know now. But we didn\'t, and we did the best we could. How could we have every in a million years thought we would lose our precious girls? It is incomprehensible.
My heart is with yours tonight.
Love and hugs, Marlene
Me too. Just one more chance to say I love you.
We all want one last chance: five minutes, just five. Some of us feel guilt. I\'ve been learning for three years that I have no guilt. Neither do you. You were living your life, normally. I was unable to do that but that was my choice, I could not permanently hospitalize her. Your daughter was ill, profoundly ill, in a way different from mine but just as terminal. She went into the world, even with her illness, and tried valiantly to live her life and you let her because that\'s what we\'re SUPPOSED to do. I knew if my daughter ever moved out on her own she\'d be dead in two weeks; I was told she might never be well enough to live on her own. That left me one choice and yes, I would have done it. And then what: for eternity...paid for it for eternity, somehow. Your comment on my journal about the bird dreams you\'re having....wow the similarity is mind blowing. Often in these nightmares, my birds have been neglected (by someone else who was supposed to be caring for them) and some are dying and I frantically feed and water, feed and water, mend the cages...etc. There are very few parents who sacrifice their lives for their children. It isn\'t usually necessary by the way. You were in denial, as was I until it was in my face and I turned our home into a lock down psych ward. You were stressed and without emotional support. So was I. You have no responsibility Gina. I DID DO everything possible. I stopped ELABORATE suicide plans four times! It didn\'t work, it was impossible to stop. People take their lives in psych wards! Where there\'s a will.....there\'s a way. She didn\'t take the \"easy way out\", she couldn\'t bear the pain one more minute. Suicide isn\'t rational, even when it appears rational. There are two sorts of suicide notes: rambling, incoherent, and then beautiful, well written, organized, seemingly rational. But what is \"reason\", how can a rational person do the very thing we all fear: die, and voluntarily! No. You couldn\'t stop it, and maybe you weren\'t meant to.
Jill...isn\'t it strange that we have those dreams...and this is a recurring dream and is a horrible dream, leaves me feeling so guilty, as I should be...for putting the care of my birds on auto-pilot...as I feel I did at time with my most precious little bird.
Me too....
Me too baby....
What I know and accept and live with today is that for whatever reason, that was the best I could do then. We NEVER, EVER, EVER did or didn\'t do anything with the intention of hurting or neglecting our children. Life gets busy. And we often get caught up in parts of life that are not the most important. But that is how life as a human goes sometimes.
We can\'t beat ourselves up over the mistakes we made...real or imagined. At least I can\'t. Kala won\'t allow it!! LOL!
I just wrote another SOTH a private message in which I shared that the best way I can honor my child, the best way I love her, is to love her momma. I have to forgive myself, comfort myself, encourage myself and inspire myself daily. I have allow myself to cry and scream and curse, and then I have to say ENOUGH! Beating up Kala\'s mom is not what Kala wants or needs. She needs me to be OK just as much as I need her to be OK. And we are.
Love yourself Gina in the same way Cassi does.....PURE LOVE ENERGY OF SPIRIT.
Quit beating yourself up, Gina! I have done it over and over and it is pointless. I compare it to how I am with my remaining son now. Yes, I do much for him however, I cannot NOT live my life for him. What am I gonna do, put him in a box and take him out when I come home so he is safe? I think every single mother in the whole wild world could think of some way or another that she \"neglected\" her child. Guilt, my sweet friend, is a very real part of this journey for some of us and one you will learn about. It has been 5 1/2 years since Michael died for me, and I now know that I did the best I could. I was a youngster myself :-). And I continue my journey on learning, as my younger son is a recovering addict. But this is his journey. I can help, but I cannot control his decisions or actions.
Peace.
We can all beat ourselves up for this. Not being present -- probably my biggest regret with Jackson. Too many times when I was distracted and nodded my head, murmuring \"uh huh,\" instead of really listening. But, still they knew and know we loved them.