Grumpy
Grumpy does not even begin to describe my mood this morning. He was drinking last night. Not falling down drunk drinking but enough that I could hear it in his speech and he fell asleep on the couch by 830. Why does it bother me so much? Is it really his problem or mine...or both. I had a horrible stomach ache so I went and showered about 9 and then went to bed. He woke just as I was going to bed and went out to the garage for a smoke. I figured he would come to bed after that but he spent the whole night on the couch. Back to the same old shit.
Of course the stomach ache triggered an anxiety attack so i lay there trying to back myself down til after eleven.
The anger may also have to do with my dreaming. I was dreaming I was a teenager again and I got into a fight with my mom and her ex husband(who abused me). In the dream I got so mad that I ran away and was walking the streets looking for a place to stay. Weird but I know I felt angry in the dream which is probably spilling over this morning.
Is it wrong to feel that I love him but I don't want to live with this shit? I am no peach to live with either. I am horribly lazy and selfish. I feel lately that I would rather live alone than have to worry what state he is in. Of course when I think of actually leaving I get overwhelmed. I doubt my company would help me out with an apartment a second time. If I go back to AZ where i could afford to live I will be giving up school. The same circle of thought I was in the first time before I moved out. Not a good sign I am sure.
I have a horribly long meeting today followed my a "mandatory" luncheon to celebrate a boss birthday. It is also my night for class so will be a long day for sure.
Yesterday I managed to get remote desktop working on my pi project. At least now when I put it outside in the box I can still sign in and manage it.
I still could not figure out the email attachment script so I tried another one I found that sends the video to google drive. I could not get that working either. Frustrated since I know I just don't have the syntax right. I will keep trying this week and hopefully have it installed outside by the weekend.
Of course the stomach ache triggered an anxiety attack so i lay there trying to back myself down til after eleven.
The anger may also have to do with my dreaming. I was dreaming I was a teenager again and I got into a fight with my mom and her ex husband(who abused me). In the dream I got so mad that I ran away and was walking the streets looking for a place to stay. Weird but I know I felt angry in the dream which is probably spilling over this morning.
Is it wrong to feel that I love him but I don't want to live with this shit? I am no peach to live with either. I am horribly lazy and selfish. I feel lately that I would rather live alone than have to worry what state he is in. Of course when I think of actually leaving I get overwhelmed. I doubt my company would help me out with an apartment a second time. If I go back to AZ where i could afford to live I will be giving up school. The same circle of thought I was in the first time before I moved out. Not a good sign I am sure.
I have a horribly long meeting today followed my a "mandatory" luncheon to celebrate a boss birthday. It is also my night for class so will be a long day for sure.
Yesterday I managed to get remote desktop working on my pi project. At least now when I put it outside in the box I can still sign in and manage it.
I still could not figure out the email attachment script so I tried another one I found that sends the video to google drive. I could not get that working either. Frustrated since I know I just don't have the syntax right. I will keep trying this week and hopefully have it installed outside by the weekend.
Replies
Sometimes repressed rage disguises itself as anxiety.
You struck upon this when you cited your dreams. No, he\'s not predictable and he\'s self-absorbed. The world rotates around him, in his mind, and that leaves you holding the bag.
You can live anywhere. You can go to school anywhere. You\'ll drown trying to save some people. A hundred attaboys get cancelled by one awshit.
He doesn\'t sound mature at all...and you can\'t claim him as a dependent on your taxes.
You are better than this...
\"Is it wrong to feel that I love him but I don\'t want to live with this shit?\" I think you just want a balanced life to allow you to heal -- you will get there.
Be very good to you.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia