Got through the funeral..

I went to the funeral home late on purpose to avoid speaking to my ex and his wife. I got lucky and was able to miss them but I did get to say hello to most of the family and they were all so nice. I got hugs and they all said they were glad I was there. I didn't realize how much I needed that closure from the family. And of course saying goodbye to his mother. I needed that too. At the church I saw my ex and his wife walk in hand in hand. It was very painful. I wanted to sneak out before he saw me but I decided I was going to stay and honor his mother. I'm glad I did. He finally saw me at the end and waved. Later on I got a text saying thanks for attending. Even seeing him sitting there with his new wife - my heart hurt. Why do I still have feelings for him? Where is the hate I should feel for the way he treated me. Would I take him back if he come to me - I hope I am stronger than that but seeing him again was harder than I ever expected. It made me remember all the plans that are never going to happen. So I  had a good cry on Saturday, got up Sunday and told myself I wasn't going backward. I had made too much progress to go back there. So I kept telling myself I was ok, and I made it through the weekend. Sometimes baby steps are the only thing you can do.