GOOD NEWS BUT SO BITTER SWEET
ITS 10:00 P.M,. AND I JUST GOT A PHONE CALL FROM MY NEPHEW, (MY BEST FRIEND'S SON), WE ARE VERY CLOSE. HE IS GAY AND CAME OUT A YEAR AFTER JACKIE. THEY WERE ALSO VERY CLOSE. HE WAS DEVASTATED OVER JACKIE'S DEATH.
HE CALLED TO TELL ME THAT HE GOT ENGAGED. I TRULY AM SO HAPPY FOR HIM. BUT I AM SITTING HERE CRYING MY EYES OUT THINKING OF JACKIE. YESTERDAY, I WENT WITH MY NIECE, (MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER), FOR HER WEDDING GOWN. SHE DOESN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT JACKIE.. THAT'S HER WAY OF DEALING WITH HER DEATH. SHE IS HAVING A HEART MADE WITH A PICTURE OF JACKIE IN IT AND CARRING IT IN HER FLOWERS AND A PIECE OF JACKIE'S CLOTHING SEWN INTO HER WEDDING GOWN SO SHE FEELS THAT JACKIE WILL WALK DOW THE AISLE WITH HER AND BE AT THE WEDDING.
SUCH WONDERFUL THINGS ARE HAPPENING. I AM HAPPY FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW BUT I AM HUMAN AND I WISH IT WAS MY DAUGHTER. OH HOW I WANT HER BACK. I HAVE NO WORDS RIGHT NOW TO DESCRIBE WHAT I AM FEELING. I'M HYSTERICAL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FEEL. WITH CHRISTMAS JUST AROUND THE CORNER I HAVE BEEN SHOPPING ON LINE AND I HAVE BEEN DOING OK. I EVEN TOLD MY SISTER WE WILL DECORATE THIS YEAR. NOT A LOT BUT PUT UP A SMALL TREE.
HOW WILL I GET MYSELF UNDER CONROL. MAYBE A GOOD CRY AND I WILL CALM DOWN, I THINK I SHOULD TAKE A HALF OF KLONIPIN TO HELP. ANYWAY, I HAD TO WRITE TO GET MY FEELINGS OUT.
HE CALLED TO TELL ME THAT HE GOT ENGAGED. I TRULY AM SO HAPPY FOR HIM. BUT I AM SITTING HERE CRYING MY EYES OUT THINKING OF JACKIE. YESTERDAY, I WENT WITH MY NIECE, (MY SISTER'S DAUGHTER), FOR HER WEDDING GOWN. SHE DOESN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT JACKIE.. THAT'S HER WAY OF DEALING WITH HER DEATH. SHE IS HAVING A HEART MADE WITH A PICTURE OF JACKIE IN IT AND CARRING IT IN HER FLOWERS AND A PIECE OF JACKIE'S CLOTHING SEWN INTO HER WEDDING GOWN SO SHE FEELS THAT JACKIE WILL WALK DOW THE AISLE WITH HER AND BE AT THE WEDDING.
SUCH WONDERFUL THINGS ARE HAPPENING. I AM HAPPY FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW BUT I AM HUMAN AND I WISH IT WAS MY DAUGHTER. OH HOW I WANT HER BACK. I HAVE NO WORDS RIGHT NOW TO DESCRIBE WHAT I AM FEELING. I'M HYSTERICAL. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FEEL. WITH CHRISTMAS JUST AROUND THE CORNER I HAVE BEEN SHOPPING ON LINE AND I HAVE BEEN DOING OK. I EVEN TOLD MY SISTER WE WILL DECORATE THIS YEAR. NOT A LOT BUT PUT UP A SMALL TREE.
HOW WILL I GET MYSELF UNDER CONROL. MAYBE A GOOD CRY AND I WILL CALM DOWN, I THINK I SHOULD TAKE A HALF OF KLONIPIN TO HELP. ANYWAY, I HAD TO WRITE TO GET MY FEELINGS OUT.
Replies
You\'re doing better than I am. I am shocked by the amount of sorrow and grief I am experiencing at this second Christmas season without my dearest April. It\'s far worse than I expected. I have had to increase my Xanax to its original dose and it sometimes doesn\'t even work. I wasn\'t prepared for this. It\'s an emotional tsunami.
Gail I just want to say that I hear your sadness and longing. It\'s hard to believe that life can go on after your precious Jackie is gone. I felt the same way about Jason.
Sending love and tight hugs...Terry
It is the worst thing in the world to carry on with this gaping whole, but you will gradually recover some sort of normality and all these small gestures to remember Jackie will help. She is still with you you just can\'t see her, but feel her all around you this Chrismas and know that she doesn\'t want you to be unhappy. Lots of love. Anne
It\'s all so hard...... I\'ve been to wedding of Kala\'s friends, and my niece.....baby showers for them later....and have had three babies born so far named after Kala by her friends.... I DO celebrate these milestones in their lives and AM happy for them, but first I cry in the shower, talk to Kala, pour my grief out.....then I go with a smile on my face and let the day be the brides day or the new mommies day or whatever.
Each milestone reminds me of what\'s been lost....but now, I recover from the feelings of \"it\'s not fair\" more quickly.
Take tender care my friend~~Teri
I have that green jealous problem,,especially with my niece who is 3 mth older than Morgan.....but my brother is as a**,,,and I do not have to be around them,,,,I do think last christmas,,,(our 2nd) was very hard...
love ya!!
I am so glad that you wrote a journal. I hope that it did help to relieve some grief...I know it always does for me. It is so hard watching as other peoples\'s lives keep going... We want their happiness but oh we really want to witness OUR children\'s lives. Take gentle care friend...Karen
Several of Doug\'s friends have gotten married, had babies - so bittersweet. I don\'t think we will ever stop missing our children\'s future. A good cry can be healing. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Sue xo
Understand what you\'re saying and glad you could write about it. Seems to be the best therapy so far and I hope your holiday is kind. Sincerely, BarbaraWawa
Yes, good news yet so bittersweet, I understand. When I watched my sister dance with her son at his wedding over a year and a half ago my eyes welled with tears... No one saw me but my husband and he certainly understood. Deepest of understanding sighs...
This is part of this painfilled path as Karen said not getting to witness for ourselves these rights of passage. It just isn\'t fair, right and very painful to have to live through these moments.
Hoping too that it helped to write about it and we\'re here for one another every step of the way.
With love and heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
I was a mess when I went wedding dress shopping with my granddaughter and all I could think was. Her mom should be here with her
The wedding day was better but still dramatic
I know how you feel, my son who died passed away and now his girlfriend is suppose to get married and i feel sad thinking it should be with my son instead... So its good to write things down, so you can let it out and lighten up your sadness.. its kinda neat how much better you feel when we vent... XO Kelly
I completely understand. It\'s normal to wish it was your child getting married. I know I feel like that too, &probably all other mother\'s on here do too. Thank you for writing on here for us all. LOVE xxxx
Yes, it does help so much when I write and let everything out. On this site I know you all know about how painful it is to lose a child and I know I won\'t be judged by feeling the way I did the other night. I do feel better now. I think of Jackie every single day. Some days without crying and some days I can\'t stop crying. I live with my sister and she is so understanding of my feelings. I did talk to her and tell her how I felt that day and she responded with, I know, it will be a hard day for all of us. But, I have to make sure that I can stay under control. I would never want to show any sorrow that day, my niece is concerned about my feelings and is trying to be careful in the selection of her songs, which I told her, don\'t feel that way, its your day once in a lifetime and I promised that I would be ok. And I want to be. I want to have a good time, any suggestions? Its a year away and i\'m worried already about getting through it. Its crazy. Once the holidays are over I hope I will be in a better place. Right now its very hard, as you are all experiencing. I hope we all get through the coming days without such a heavy heart. Love to you all. Gail
Gail. it is wonderful to see nieces and nephews lives go on and the happiness we feel tor them is real but we will always long for our child. One day at a time is all I can suggest and when I am at weddings if I need to excuse myself to let the tears fall then I do. It will be ok. Love to you and Jackie, Linda