Going forward loving myself

Yeah, you see, this is my problem!  That they know what they are doing is wrong; but awareness doesn't equal change! It is the oh-so-important first step.  Also, if they have the capacity to change, then they are not pathological (have some kind of a personality disorder) because one of the criteria for that is the inability to change. My ex was like this,and he was a narcissist.If you kick them out and they change, then they do have the capacity to change; and they needed a kick up the a*se.  So, I think if you recognise that your partner is NOT pathological, then there is one solution; since the way we behaved so far (being loving, supportive kind, helpful, all-enduring etc) clearly is not working, we have to stop doing that. Daisaku Ikeda said: "Be the change you want to see".  How can we expect them to change their behaviour if we don't change ours and we put up with the way they treat us?As we know from experience, we can't change others. But if we change the way we are towards them (going from a place of pain, hurt and anxiety to a place of self-love, no-nonsense attitude and self-respect), they will change too; it's human chemistry.  If they don't change, then your new, self-loving attitude won't allow you to stay in a relationship that causes you pain and harms you.  We have been trying so hard and put up with a lot of nonsense, and we believed that with our love and kindness and support and understanding we can change the man.  We all failed to do this.  There is a simple reason for this: Nobody has the ablility to change anyone.  The only person we can change is ourselves.  We are neglecting ourselves and our needs and hurting ourselves by putting up with being shouted at, cheated on or being emotionally / physically abused.  We have to realise that we don't need another person's love and approval to feel complete.  We have endured so much but did we ever say to ourselves I AM STRONG AND I AM A SURVIVOR?  I didn't until recently.  When we learn to truly love ourselves, we will not allow anyone to hurt us and we won't put up with any nonsense or abusive behaviour. This (putting up with and enduring mis-treatment) that makes these men attracted to us in the first place.  Why are WE attracted to them? I can only speak for myself. I had an emotionally abusive father, who was also hitting me and shouting at me throughout my childhood. My mother was cold and I didn't feel their love (I ama very affectionate and tactile person).  I am recreating this childhood trauma with men exhibiting similar characteristics to my dad.  He was supposed to be my protector but he was abusive.  I remember trying so very hard to please him and was walking on eggshells all the time to avoid him blowing up, but he did it all the same.  I felt that I wasn't good enough and that nothing I did was right.  I excelled in my studies but even that didn't seem to make a difference. The only thing that did was when I was 14, I said to him (when he was about to hit me yet again) 'You lay a finger on my one more time, and I'll kick you in the nuts so hard, that you won't be able to walk!'  He never hit me again.  I changed my behaviour from victim to winner.  Yet I still recreate my childhood in my relationship; I probably see it subconsciously as a challenge?   I am too stubborn to give up and hurting myself in the process.  I had a fantastic coaching session yesterday and it put things into place for me.  I now know that I am serious about change this time. That I am OK with being alone rather than be in a relationship at all cost; I will be in a relationship where I am happy, or I will be alone.  I have everything in me that I need to be happy.  If my bf continues with his aggressive behaviour, he will lose me.  I told him this and I told him that I will be happy with or without him.  I told him that I will not have him shouting at me and I won't walk around on eggshells anymore.  I don't want to please him anymore.  I want to please me.  If I am not happy and I don't look after myself, I am not really capable of love; I am just needy, looking for validation and love external of myself.  I can give all that to myself.  I said to my bf (who has been reading Anger management books and gone to counselling as well as couples therapy with me) that he needs to dothis for himself; that he needs to look after himself and love himself. He said he didn't like how he was and he hated himself for hurting me. I said I won't throw him a pity party; if he doesn't like how he is, he is the only one who can change how he is.  I asked him what love meant to him. He said putting somebody ahead of himself.   I told him that if he doesn't look after his needs, and puts me ahead of him, he is neglecting himself and he will resent me for it; so wanting to put me first and do something nice for me will actually backfire on me.  This was a totally new concept for him. (he would make tea for me and make me breakfast and feed the animals and let the dog out, and do a lot of nice things to help out, but then he is running late and he hates running late and snapped at me a few times because he was running late.)  I told him that if he does what he needs first, and then helps out, then he will still do good by me AND by him.  He asked me if I was really OK with him doing that and I wouldn't hate him??  Madness. I told him that if a mother is not putting her needs first and eats and relaxes and does what she needs to do (within reason given the time) but spends that time fussing with her kids, then she will end up snapping at them and resenting them because they take up 'all her time'.  Whereas it was HER choice to do that; and she meant well, but she is neglecting herself and her own needs.  He was amazed by this all and said he never saw it this way...He made an appointment with the coach I saw (we both met him at a talk he held, which my bf really enjoyed) and with the stuff I told him and my no-nonsense attitude and behavioural change, we'll see if he is indeed going to look at things differently, or I will be off.  I know I will be happy no matter what!