GOING CRAZY

I am not having a good day today. I woke up at 7 a.m. and turned on the t.v. and started to doze off. I heard Jackie's voice. She said "MOM". I know I didn't imagine it. I can't even dream of her yet. Am I going crazy? I want to see her again. I need to see her again. I can't stop crying today. I'm cleaning. I'm doing laundry. I don't know what to do with myself. The papers came in from the Monument place and I have to give my approval. I'm getting sick over that. Then I could go to my daughter's grave. I can't believe I'm even writing this. "My daughter's grave". She couldn't have know what this would do to me. I know I have no guilt, I did everything I could, I even sold my gold jewelry so I could buy her some things she wanted to try and made her happy. But she was very good to me also. Christmas she got me a navigator cause she always worried that I would get lost, And she bought me this lap top. It was such a surprise. Flowers on my B-Day, Valentine's Day. I sound like a broken record. I was in today so I didn't take a Xanax. Maybe I should take them everyday. I don't know what I should do hen I get like this. I thought I was doing better. Even went out to A.C. the other day and had a nice time. Maybe that set me off. I did feel guilty. I thought to myself. I have on makeup and I'm out, No one would ever think that my child just killed herself. Unbelieveable.