GOING CRAZY
I am not having a good day today. I woke up at 7 a.m. and turned on the t.v. and started to doze off. I heard Jackie's voice. She said "MOM". I know I didn't imagine it. I can't even dream of her yet. Am I going crazy? I want to see her again. I need to see her again. I can't stop crying today. I'm cleaning. I'm doing laundry. I don't know what to do with myself. The papers came in from the Monument place and I have to give my approval. I'm getting sick over that. Then I could go to my daughter's grave. I can't believe I'm even writing this. "My daughter's grave". She couldn't have know what this would do to me. I know I have no guilt, I did everything I could, I even sold my gold jewelry so I could buy her some things she wanted to try and made her happy. But she was very good to me also. Christmas she got me a navigator cause she always worried that I would get lost, And she bought me this lap top. It was such a surprise. Flowers on my B-Day, Valentine's Day. I sound like a broken record. I was in today so I didn't take a Xanax. Maybe I should take them everyday. I don't know what I should do hen I get like this. I thought I was doing better. Even went out to A.C. the other day and had a nice time. Maybe that set me off. I did feel guilty. I thought to myself. I have on makeup and I'm out, No one would ever think that my child just killed herself. Unbelieveable.
Replies
Take the xanax every day. I take .5MG 4x a day. Believe me, it helps in these early days. Then several months from now you can wean down slowly, one week at a time until you take it only when you need it.
No you didn\'t imagine it. Our children do communicate with us; not everyone has this experience but I have had it and so have many others.
You\'re NOT going crazy. You\'ve just had the most serious injury any human can experience. I would take four terminal diseases to have my daughter back. There was help available, she just never believed in her illness. But the \"help\" is often as bad as the illness. NO she didn\'t know what this would do to you, she was unable to think of that, that is a RATIONAL THOUGHT. I just discussed this TODAY with my therapist! People who take their lives are not thinking rationally, no matter how well planned it is, no matter the apparent \"rational\" behavior they may show to others. You won\'t be \"better\" for a long time but each day it will begin to filter through your brain and you will make some sense of this seemingly senseless act. You did everything you could. And she loved you so much. And SHE STILL DOES. One day at a time my dear friend; sometimes, one hour at a time. You will be blindsided by grief (they\'re called grief bursts) at times you don\'t expect. this is NORMAL. One step forward, two (or sometimes more, it seems) back BUT YOU WILL one day not grieve as heavily although you will never forget her and you will never stop loving her, and she will never stop loving YOU.
You are not going crazy... you are grieving and it does feel that way often. You are feeling and moving through this surreal time and I remember the first time I went to the grocery store after my son\'s death and I was thinking the same thing that what is this person next to me choosing her box of cereal knew that my son had just died. It is unbelievable and I totally understand what you are sharing today. Keep writing and reading so that you know you are not alone. We are here for one another and YOU matter. I know that you would have done anything and everything to have your daughter with you here today. I know... Love and hugs, Joanie
You are NOT crazy!!! You are in the most horrible time of grief...everything you describe is part of it. I\'ve felt, thought, and reacted exactly as you are! Take your meds as prescribed!! It\'s so important that you not go on and off the meds...it could be very dangerous.
The very first time Kala spoke to me I was sitting in the parking lot of the funeral home. She said, \"mom, I\'m OK\". I too thought I was going crazy...imagining things...wishing things. I KNOW better now. I\'ve learned how to listen, how to hear, and how to accept that my child truly IS talking to me. I think every single one of us who\'ve had the gift of hearing our child questioned it at first. Afterall, this is not what society teachs us!! But society teaches...or tries to...that we mustn\'t talk about our child for too long after they\'ve passed or else we\'re \"not healing\"....well, I\'ve got news for \"society\"....WE \"HEAL\" BECAUSE WE TALK ABOUT AND TO OUR KIDS!!! Please try to let your daughters \"MOM\" bring you some bit of comfort. I know with all my being that is what she is trying to do...that\'s why she said MOM. She is reaching out to you in love, understanding, compassion and with a sense of wanting to help you.
I remember finally getting Kala\'s grave marker done. It was one of the most disgusting, horrible, unbelievable things I\'ve ever had to do. I cried and cried and cried when I saw it for the first time. Even today, 4 years later, I look at her name on it, her picture on it, and shake my head...how can it say KALA! But I also felt like it was something I was doing for her, so that helped me get through it. You will get through it too. You can do this and it will be lovely.
Your daughter sounds like a very loving and giving person...she certainly loves you very much. I really do believe she will continue to find ways to communicate with you.
I\'m so proud of you for sharing your heart with us. Having this place to come to, to write out my heart...all the good, bad, and ugly of it...has helped me so much. I\'ve learned so much as I\'ve read journals, mostly that I\'m not crazy and that I\'m not alone. Keep writing and keep reading and know that you are loved and supported by all of us here.
Tight, tight hugs and lots of love, Teri.
I have an issue with the Steps of Grief that we are now familiar with...they left out FEELING CRAZY!!! It is unlike anything we have ever gone through. Our minds cannot grasp what has happened....part of us is going on with our typical routines while our hearts are ripped and trying to convey to our brain the loss and the pain of it all....Another hard thing to do is to see your child\'s name and dates on the grave....My son always thought he would be famous for something....he loved to write and draw....his name up in lights on the marquee....I was stricken with a terrible sickening feeling when I first saw his name on the funeral home sign...and then the plaque for his niche at the cemetery. I do know how you feel....and yes, SIGNS...we will receive them....I believe God helps us through with allowing us to know about our children...that they are with Him ...no longer in anguish...no longer in depression or despair....but in perfection....just like it was meant to be.....I pray you have a better day and that you will have signs that comfort you and give you the peace that passes all understanding.....love, dale...brandon\'s mom
I agree with all the above comments, you are NOT crazy. And I believe Dale is right, your children are in perfection now, no more pain, no more despair just love and that is the message she was sending you. I pray for you to have better days. Hugs, Suzannah
I always believed that our loved ones watched over us. Even when my mom died I would pray every night to her to give me a sign that she was ok and eventually I believed that she did. But with Jackie I have lost faith. Her death is not supposed to be before me. I know I heard her voice and now hearing everything all of you say, I do believe I wasn\'t dreaming. I\'m going to my sons\'s house on Sun for the 4th. He is trying so hard to keep our lives as normal as possible. But, it will never be the same again. I still have so much to do regarding Jackie\'s personal things and its a never ending battle. Today the frustration and anxiety over dealing with her things is too overwhelming so I stopped and just sat and cried to let it out. Having everyone here to talk to helps so so much. I\'m very lucky that I found all of you, I just wish it was not for this reason. Much Love Gail