giving me more insight

so, i think i really am driven to drink by external circumstances.  duh, i'm sure many people say....but it isn't always so clear.  
however, i reunited with a boy i had lived with here in thailand these past few weeks.  i was stupid enough to think he had changed.  he is from a different culture, he is from japan, which of course creates some miscommunication and misunderstanding.  however, no matter what your culture, abuse is abuse (verbal from him) i believe.  he was like jekeyll and hyde, and i was stupid enough to let him come live with me again.  luckily i had him leave two days ago, and although he had his exquisite sorry face on, my mind was made up.  he knew i was right and actually didn't give me that much hell.  there is so much i could write about my experience with him, but i don't have the time and don't feel like mulling it over.   it has just become clear to me that my drinking is exacerbated, maybe even caused, when i have people or forces in my life that feel suffocating and it incites in me feelings of being overwhelmed or unable to relax. not to mention, having people around me who drink.
 so, i can see that i needed to try it out with him again, because i would have wondered if he had actually changed in the months of us being separated, and if it was viable.  it was special what we had and it would have been cool if he wans't a sociopath HA HA 555.  maybe i needed to teach him something too.  i'm realizing that all these fucked up boyfriends i have probably come out better because of me, and i come out more jaded, or really  come out more aware of the harshness of reality......it's easy for me to have compassion and think that everything can be fixed because deep in my heart i am a good person, full of fairness and openness.  but that shit just don't fly in the real world......murderers and war mongers and power trippers and greedy sociopaths can't just be fixed.  it's simply the truth.  these kinds of peoples are illusions though....underneath they are not real, they literally are so broken that they ARE soulless i think.  they wear masks.....theres no unifying core because they are so afraid of themselves.  i don't know.  anyway, don't have time to flesh it all out although i kinda wish i did.  much luv, feeling so much better....i'm fixing my mindset, been lucky to have an awesome friend i'm in correspondence with who has imparted much wisdom--he advised me to think that nothing is missing!!!!  everything is good, life is rad.