Getting By

Well, my son has borrowed my laptop until his is repaired, so I've missed a day on writing.  Just as well, I've been feeling so bad that yesterday not only did I not make it to work, but I slept until 3 in the afternoon, then went back to bed at 9.  I'm getting worse instead of better right now.  Went to counseling Tuesday afternoon and talked about how much worse I'm feeling.  She reassured me it's natural at this time.  Not much consolation for me.  I'm also having major swings from anger, to frustration, to once again bargaining with God to have Gene back.  Also normal during this time.  Nothing feels normal, nothing feels right, everything feels like my life will never be what it was before and it won't.  I don't even think about the future, just minute to minute.  Everytime I go downstairs, which was Gene's hangout area, I feel so overwhelmed I just turn around and go back upstairs.  I have a computer down there I could be using, but I can't bring myself to spend more than a few minutes in what I still consider Gene's space.  It's surrounded with his trophies from racing, his playstation, his computer, his coat rack, his everything.  He came to me in a dream yesterday and was standing in front of me saying goodbye.  Probably why I couldn't get myself out of bed yesterday.  I wanted to go back to sleep to see him again.   I called my doctor on Tuesday and she called a prescription into the pharmacy for something to help me get through the days when I can't function.  I'll see her in two weeks and I'm sure she's going to want to increase my mood stabilizer/prozac dose.  Right now I can't tell the grief from the depression.  I guess it really doesn't matter, they both make me feel horrible.  I really need to get into some kind of routine other than just going to work and then going home and sitting in front of the TV.  I haven't vacuumed in two weeks and the dust and cobwebs are building as I write this but it all seems so unimportant.   Thanks to all of my friends here for the prayers, blessings, hugs, love, etc.  I couldn't get by without you right now.