Getting By
Well, my son has borrowed my laptop until his is repaired, so I've missed a day on writing. Just as well, I've been feeling so bad that yesterday not only did I not make it to work, but I slept until 3 in the afternoon, then went back to bed at 9. I'm getting worse instead of better right now. Went to counseling Tuesday afternoon and talked about how much worse I'm feeling. She reassured me it's natural at this time. Not much consolation for me. I'm also having major swings from anger, to frustration, to once again bargaining with God to have Gene back. Also normal during this time. Nothing feels normal, nothing feels right, everything feels like my life will never be what it was before and it won't. I don't even think about the future, just minute to minute. Everytime I go downstairs, which was Gene's hangout area, I feel so overwhelmed I just turn around and go back upstairs. I have a computer down there I could be using, but I can't bring myself to spend more than a few minutes in what I still consider Gene's space. It's surrounded with his trophies from racing, his playstation, his computer, his coat rack, his everything. He came to me in a dream yesterday and was standing in front of me saying goodbye. Probably why I couldn't get myself out of bed yesterday. I wanted to go back to sleep to see him again. I called my doctor on Tuesday and she called a prescription into the pharmacy for something to help me get through the days when I can't function. I'll see her in two weeks and I'm sure she's going to want to increase my mood stabilizer/prozac dose. Right now I can't tell the grief from the depression. I guess it really doesn't matter, they both make me feel horrible. I really need to get into some kind of routine other than just going to work and then going home and sitting in front of the TV. I haven't vacuumed in two weeks and the dust and cobwebs are building as I write this but it all seems so unimportant. Thanks to all of my friends here for the prayers, blessings, hugs, love, etc. I couldn't get by without you right now.
Replies
Going minute to minute is just fine...it\'s just a matter of getting through the days right now!
Sometimes it seems like a pendulum swinging....it\'s swinging really wide right now from one extreme to the other... When my dad died a year and a half ago, my mom went through everything we are going through. She said her turning point was at about 3 months.....so we\'re getting closer, you & me. It doesn\'t matter if you dust. I haven\'t dusted for over a month, so you\'re doing better than me,lol. What is important is that we focus on taking care of ourselves until we get to that turning point.
One thing that did help me to get comfortable in at least one room of my house was to have my brother & his wife rearrange the furniture for me. That way there was a visual reason for it feeling weird, and weirdly enough, it was enough to allow me to sit in it without having an anxiety attack.....
You take care of you, though.....we\'ll get there!
Big hugs,
Judy
I know it is so very hard for you right now. I am there myself. 1 thing you may want to consider is to not overload on yourself. Sometimes you just have to distract yourself. Yes it is hard to break away for a little bit, but for you own sake you need to a little, OK?
Is there a grief and loss group you could join? My best friend lost her 20 year old daughter. And that group was so helpful for her....... Prayers and Hugs, Sandy