General rambling

I had a horrible time trying to go to sleep last night.  All day I had felt edgy although no real anxiety.  When I laid down I could tell the my mind was going a hundred miles a minute.  I thought about taking an extra dose to calm myself but I really don't want to.  I want to be able to train my body to calm without the meds. Several drinks of water and three trips tot he bathroom later I think I finally fell asleep somewhere around midnight.  I woke as soon as the alarm went off at 4:30.  Tired but instantly awake.  My dreams were full of anger.  Something about going on a trip that was a five hour drive and everyone who was going with me kept taking forever to be ready. 

I feel slightly nauseated ths morning and for a brief moment thought I would have an anxiety attack, but after a few deep breaths I got it under control. 

After our fight all day Sunday he has done a complete flip.  I told him then that I am sick of the way he snaps at me for every little thing.  We have had this argument many times in the past.  I know whatever it is that it's not me he is angry at but I'm not his doormat.  I tell him again that if he can't speak to me with a little kindness then just don't fucking speak to me at all. Since then,  he has been super sweet but i know it is just temporary.  He even comments at some point that when he is done with this financial court crap, we will finaly get married.  I just tell him again that unless he cleans up all his credit I am not marrying him.  I have worked hard to repair my credit while he, as usual buried his head in the sand and did nothing til it came back to bite him in the ass.  In the end, he still prefers to sleep on the couuch every night instead of next to me.  I used to let that really hurt me but now I just don't give a shit. He has put on so much weight and now snores so badly, that I know I would not get any sleep anyway.

I'll just keep burying myself in my books which is a catch 22 since I know that is half my problem anyway.  I read all these stories where there is passion and the couples sense when the other person is having a hard time and comfort each other.  That is just not real life.  Still,  If I can't live the fantasy, then I guess I will just keep reading.  I keep reminding myself that this is the last year, the last year of school and the year of judgement on our rocky relationship.  I wonder if it is fair not to warn him that this will be a judgement period but I think if I did he would put on a good act for a while like he did when I moved out before and then three years from now we would be right back here again.  I think I will get a more honest reaction if I don't say anything.

He makes a smart ass comment like .. oh, reading again, there's a shocker.  Or like when they were all drunk two weeks ago... you are still drinking coffee at 8pm?  --yeah, I said, maybe so but if there is an emergency I'm good to drive (unlike you dumb fucks, but I leave that part out).

I have to start my day on a job site that is close to home so I have more time to myself this morning.  Still would rather just be in the office since this subdivision is in a ghetto neighborhood and the printer at this location and I hate each other.