Gee, thanks.
Last Saturday, I planted about 2 dozen 6" zinnia slips in the garden and around the flagpole. Tim just weed eated the flagpole zinnias down, so I went out to the garden and pulled those zinnias up by the root and threw them down. they were really growing, too. Some of them were already a foot tall.
I closed my last journal saying that Tim was gone on a mission trip. (Oh yeah, DS said that is was July 15th ... no, it was the 14th.) My birthday was on the 14th. Tim volunteered for this mission trip. He left on the 11th and got back late on the 17th. He has been all excited and getting ready for this mission trip for months. He's told me all about the mission trip, but not one word about my birthday. I haven't said anything to him. I'm not going to. For 20 years, he never forgot my birthday. Then, he goes to seminary school, gets obsessed with church oriented stuff, and he's forgotten my birthday (among other things!) 3 years in a row. And, he tells our marriage counselor that he thinks we are closer than we've ever been.
I know the only thing I can change is me. If he sees me as a piece Biblical chattel, I can't change that. But it does change the way I see him. When we started seeing the marriage counselor, my expectations weren't very high, anyway.
Am I being selfish and trivial??? It's hard for me to see in an unbiased way.
I closed my last journal saying that Tim was gone on a mission trip. (Oh yeah, DS said that is was July 15th ... no, it was the 14th.) My birthday was on the 14th. Tim volunteered for this mission trip. He left on the 11th and got back late on the 17th. He has been all excited and getting ready for this mission trip for months. He's told me all about the mission trip, but not one word about my birthday. I haven't said anything to him. I'm not going to. For 20 years, he never forgot my birthday. Then, he goes to seminary school, gets obsessed with church oriented stuff, and he's forgotten my birthday (among other things!) 3 years in a row. And, he tells our marriage counselor that he thinks we are closer than we've ever been.
I know the only thing I can change is me. If he sees me as a piece Biblical chattel, I can't change that. But it does change the way I see him. When we started seeing the marriage counselor, my expectations weren't very high, anyway.
Am I being selfish and trivial??? It's hard for me to see in an unbiased way.
Replies
I really can\'t see how being forgotten or taken for granted (\"Closer than ever\"?!?) could POSSIBLY be selfish OR trivial.
I\'m so sorry, PilotRock. >>>HUGS
So sorry that you are hurting PilotRock.I have to tell you that my husband is hopeless at remembering birthdays, mine included.I have to remind him.I believe that your relationship has stabilized compared to how it was and you seem a lot happier.If Tim has told the marriage counselor that you are closer than ever, he most likely feels that way.Although it hurts you deeply being forgotten on your birthday, it doesn\'t mean everything.Think about all the other things he has done for you.However keep quiet and don\'t mention your birthday and wait and see when he remembers. He is going to feel terrible for sure.He is obviously preoccupied with his trip and maybe stressed about it in some way.Of course you should be a priority but he has just simply forgotten . I\'m not taking sides here Lol!! Love to you birthday girl.xo
Just read your journal again.So he is back from the trip and still hasn\'t remembered. I should wake up properly before I start typing . It\'s good morning DS before it\'s good morning Frank.xo
Hi, honey. I was really excited when things were going better for you guys, but part of me was a little wary. I was thinking there might be more work to do for things to really be OK between you two. I\'m sure you know this already, but some people choose church work as a painkiller and it can become a dysfunctional behavior. I mean, who would think that doing good things, presumably for God, could be a problem? But it can be. I\'m not against him doing missions. I just think he needs to look inside and see if there is any part of him that is using missions to avoid other parts of his life. But, you don\'t need a psychological analysis of what is going on. You need a friend to stand with you and I do stand with you in this moment. I know what it is to be ignored and to feel rejected. Our Lord knew that feeling too. Pour it out to Him. Tell Him how it feels. I pray there will be a breakthrough for you two. Love you.
I don\'t think wanting your husband to remember your Birthday as being selfish or that its a trivial thing at all. Nor is being taken for granted either. I am sorry this happened. I seemed to have missed your Birthday as well,sorry about that. Happy Belated Birthday PR. I think your attitude is very realistic in regards to knowing that you can change him. My life with my H is not good either. never has been and I feel invisible around him. So i can in a way relate to you. Sorry about your flowers. Hugs and Greenies
I\'m sorry he did this. I have high expectations that he is going to realize that his \"church stuffs\" may be a way of escaping other problems that he has not yet addressed in his personal life. YOU are his personal life. He is not addressing and respecting YOU! This has to change. Don\'t have the answer as to how! Counseling may prove to be a good thing! He\'s going to verbalize things that he might not realize he\'s doing, that are unrealistic, or hurtful, or selfish!!!
Give it to God. Trust the Master. I know it ain\'t easy. You\'re a gentle soul. The Lord will give you strength. Tim is missing something.....the thing that combines working for the Lord, and showing love. They should mean the same thing. He doesn\'t seem to have a grasp on this concept. He\'s misguided somehow..... xo
We\'re here for ya!! All the time! xo
Happy Belated Birthday Sweetie........seems like hubbies have to be told and retold and then told some more..........but no I don\'t think he should get a total free pass out of the doghouse.........tell him that he blew the birthday party and that you can\'t wait to see what he comes up with.........if he doesn\'t get busy after that i will send a pinata blaster whacker thingy to your house to knock some sense in to his pinata head. i may need counselling to end this violent phase .....but first things first. love you, mucho mucho.......and hugs too!
You know the old saying, \"Charity begins at home.\" I know it\'s not a Bible verse, but it\'s a good sentiment. If Tim really wanted to go on the mission trip, he still could have checked with you first, and made plans to celebrate your birthday before or after the trip. I think you were right to expect more, and it\'s wise to have your eyes open to the reality of the relationship. I hope things improve over time and that counseling will eventually help. One can always, hope, right?
Oh, my Poor friend and her poor zinnias. so sorry sweetie. Our dear friends above have given you such solid advice and wisdom. All I have to add is that I agree that sometimes \"service\" can be a distraction to what is going on internally. It can also be a way to try and make any feelings of shame or guilt go away (it doesn\'t work obviously but people can try for years and years). My husband used to go above and beyond to help a stranger as a police officer but not with me. That\'s because helping a stranger doesn\'t usually involve intimacy. Long term at least. It\'s not uncommon for \"heroes \" to have less than ideal personal relationships. Maybe this is something that you could bring up in counseling.
Sending huge supportive hugs and lots of love...