GAY PRIDE
I wish Jackie could have been here for this. My daughter was gay. She would have been so happy New York legalized gay marriage. When she first came out I had such a hard time. I thought my world was shattered. Key word MY. I learned fast through a wonderful group PFLAG that it certainly wasnt about me. We became so close. A whole new world opened up and for the first time I saw my daughter happy. She accepted who she was and so did me and my family. We were so close. We did everything together. We even got matching tattoos. WHAT HAPPENED. The pain in her head was overwhelming. She was on 21 pills a day. Its so frustrating to think, please let me turn back time and get her off some of those meds. She would haullinate sometimes at nite. She was so so frustrated. No one could help. This is not a good day for me. I have to get out of the house. I cant go to the cemetary yet because her name is not on the stone and I wont go until it is. I hate this. I hate this I hate this.
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I am so sorry that today is not good. I cannot imagine having to take so many meds for a headache....bless her sweet heart. I know that is so hard to believe she is gone. There are many bad days in the beginning...just try to make it through each day...eventually the days will be more gentle. Try to find something to distract yourself...it helps. Please take gentle care of yourself...Karen
There are many hard days but it will get a little easier. Even when it gets easier (I\'m coming up to 4 month mark) there are still times of deep sorrow and days of grief. This is a tough road, the hardest thing any human can face. She was an adult, she consented to her medication protocol, that\'s something you need to learn to let GO OF and BELIEVE ME I know how hard that is. I often grieve because I was at an emotional breaking point on Christmas day and couldn\'t just pretend everything was just fine, but that had nothing to do with my daughter\'s choice. She loved me, she considered me the light of her life, she told me how much she loved me in her letter. Your daughter escaped her torment. She loved you and OH what a wonderful mother you are!! I once thought my daughter might be gay and I told her it was JUST FINE (I grew up in Greenwich Village, I had many gay friends! some of the best people I\'ve ever known) but she decided she should have been born \"male\" but she would have been a gay male because she was attracted to men lol. Oh, the irony. It\'s GOOD to get out of the house, you\'re working hard at this, keep going, we\'re all here to support you.
I\'m so very sorry. Thank you for journaling and getting your emotions out in words. It takes a very long time to finally quit asking the \"what if\'s\" and \"whys\". I send you prayers for peace and comfort in the days ahead and after much patience (more than you think you could ever have) you will be able to bear this pain a little better. We are here for you. Much love. Robin
Oh my new friends, I want you to know how much I appreciate you. Finding you has been such a help. Being able to write down how I feel any given day has been a healing in itself because I now know Im not alone. I am being pushed every day by my sister and family. She lets me cry when I start and tells me never to hold back. I know how lucky I am to have her. A friend of mine begged me to go to Atlantic City last night. I did. I ended up having a nice time. We talked in the car the whole way there and then I did play the slots a little. OMG, I wanted to cry all the way home. I know what you will say. Dont feel guilty. But how do I do that. When I got home I asked her to forgive me. Will that ever go away. I know I shouldnt feel that way but I cant help it. It shouldnt be this way. I dont want to have a nice time.
It is called survivor\'s guilt because I know you would have done anything that you could have to have changed Jackie\'s tragic outcome. She was in so much pain and I just cannot even imagine how horrible that must have been for her. I\'m so sorry and understand with all of my heart what you are describing. It takes time to find our smiles once again and not feel armored against the world. You have experienced the most painful loss ever and are trying to honor it as best as you are able. Grief is such a spiraling journey for me with its ups, downs and in-betweens. No right or wrong way in which to do it yet something that each of us must do. We have to grieve so that we can heal. Heart to heart... I\'m with you and you are not alone. You are among woman who care deeply and understand. Big hugs, Joanie
Everyday is a challenge for me. My emotions are all over the place. The other day I didn\'t cry and I thought wow, ok so maybe I am healing. I cant imagine healing from this. I miss her so so much. The next day I couldnt stop crying. She pops into my head when I am not distracted and I want to die. I know its going to be a slow process but I get that all over anxiety feeling when I think. How is it that I am going though this. I am so grateful that I am not alone in this. But what binds us together is such sorrow that no mother should ever have to feel.
(((hugs)))
I am probably not the best to try and help you, as I just lost my son on May 28th, 2011. I do know though without God I couldn;t be handling this. All we can do is take 1 day at a time and when the day is to hard then do 1 minute at a time. I do find some comfort here. My son also made the decision over a relationship that ended. Like livingjuicy said, Everyday is a challenge. Some mornings I wake up crying and go to bed crying. Last night as I said my evening prayer I ask God to let me dream of him. I never dreamed of him but as I was dozing off I had a vision of him throwing up his hand. Main thing is we have to try and find this new normal for us. What was normal before will never be normal for us again. I will keep you in my prayers. If you haven;t went to any meetings, try and find a local Survivors of Suicide group to attend. Those do help some. You are around others that is going through the same pain as us. Also if you choose to talk you can and if you choose not to, that is ok also. What I find comforting at them is they don;t ask you alot of questions about it. Where as it seems like people that hasn\'t experienced this does and cann\'t understand we need alot of time for the healing process.
Thank you peggy for your words. I did join a Survivors Group and it does help somewhat. Some of the stories are so so sad. My daughter left me a very loving note, and an explanation. I want to try and take some comfort in that. This sit
There is something going on with my computer. I didnt finish my thought. This site is very helpful. The support is overwhelming. My life will never be the same and I miss my Jackie every minute of every day. It was 2 months yesterday. I can\'t even imagine going on for the rest of my life in this pain, but I am told I have no choice. So I push myself everyday to get out of bed and function. My sister and best friend wont let me die. I want to get better for my son and grandchildren. We are sticking together as a family and doing the best we can