funny days

Some days I find myself pre-writing my journals in my head.  Some days I can't seem to find words at all.  Weird...lately I feel like a very lucky loved girl though...Everyone should have the problem of receiving so many hugs and messages when they sign on that it's hard to write their journal LOL. 
So that is my wish for all my friends today...may you receive so much love and support it's difficult to find time to journal :)
 
Things are kinda weird and strange.  I went and looked at an apartment yesterday.  It is one the company owns and I am friends with the manager.  She showed me a couple of them so i could see how large the patios were for Remi.  None are as large a yard as the one she had me look at a while back but they are also a lot less expensive.  There are more of those so when and if I decide to go there's a better chance of having one available. 
His radar must be working overtime.  I noticed he has not been drinking very much although there is no affection between us and he still sleeps in the living room.  Last night he was still wide awake when I went to bed and this morning he is already sitting up and awake when I got up.  I think something is probably bothering him although he will never talk to me about it.  He probably thinks this is going to smooth things over...but that is part of the problem.  He will never share these things that upset him with me.  He never tells me any hopes and dreams and he never asks me what mine are..it is more than just the drinking and the anger. 
In fact I am pretty sure he has never asked what mine are.  I never noticed until a friend offering support asked me these questions.  I said since I got so sick I don't dream or wish for anything anymore. 
Still, any change in routine around here affects me and I thought at first it was going to throw me into a panic attack...especially when I sort of had a stomach ache and everyone around me at work and home is sick.  Twice this year I have proven to myself that I can change the routine and not have to flip out.  the first time the week I was gone for the two funerals and this last week of vacation.  I just kept reminding myself that I was perfectly healthy(well sort of) and that I have changed the routine and survived anxiety free.  It seems to have worked...at least in the short term.
Why is it when the anxiety is low my pain levels are so much higher?  Or maybe I just do not notice the pain when I'm busy freaking out lol.  My neck is awful this morning and I want to reach for the ibuprofen before I even leave for work...that's not a good sign.  Today I go for my Holter monitor test.  ...that should be a stylish fashion accessory LOL.  Being the planner that I am ...I have been figuring out how I am going to wash my hair tonight by myself without getting that thing wet....I'm such a dork.