fuck shit
Today was....eh...survivable. Not as bad as yesterday but I still was in a funk.
Here is something I typed up last night....basically it's for me to read to Joanna when I see her on Monday...
"
I feel as though so many things have occurred between our session yesterday and tonight. To me it feels like an abundant amount and it is very overwhelming right now. It all keeps swirling around in my head. It is difficult to describe my mood today because it has been all over the place. It has jumped a multitude of times from being happy to crying and being very depressed and sullen. I do not know if it is due to the various things that have come up within the past 24-36 hours, or if I am making myself this way. I do feel that some things that have occurred would make sense to my mood shifts, but I am not positive.
To start things off, Lindsay messaged me on gchat and asked me how I was and what was new. I responded with, "Great! I just got the job I have been wanting!" I was still on a so called "high" from everything working out so well with Banfield. She responded with, "I applied for that too." And then continued even though I did not ask any question for her to follow up with more information. "I got offered the same job at the Banfield in Leesburg but turned it down. It wasn't worth the $11/hr." Wow, that made me feel like complete utter shit. I felt like a 50 pound rock had landed on top of me. As though I was completely shot down and all my happiness and excitement from getting this position was flushed down the toilet. I know for a fact that I am a lot more intelligent than her both academically and common sense wise. I was furious and very upset. I felt like she purposely said that to piss me off, or at least that's how it came across. Why does she have to make herself seem better than me? Why does she always have to have the last word? It's like she is stuck in fucking middle school where childish games are played. Lastly, this was in the middle of the day while she was at work. Isn't she supposed to be "working"? This whole conversation bothered me a significant amount. It made me doubt myself a considerable amount.
A positive thing- when I saw Jill she said I maintained weight! This made me very happy :)
I went to my appointment with Dr Ceaser this morning. I feel as though they are pointless. Seeing him or my previous psychiatrist. I just don't see the point in it. How can someone who sees me for 15-20min once every three months know whether my medication is working or not? It just seems like a waste of money and time. And just silly. Pure stupidity to go I feel.
My mother sent me an email this morning that had many things she wanted me to get done in it. I felt various emotions after reading the email. The first thing that happened was that my stomach became queasy and sadness filled within me while I read the second paragraph. She said that my father was going to be on TDY in Ft Belvoir from March 12 - April 6 and that she will be going to Florida from March 16-26 or so. I can't really put my finger on to why I got upset by this, but as I think about it more I have formulated an idea. Right about the same time I read this I received a text from Marian McKee saying that she probably was not going to get home in time tonight to see me while I was at their house visiting Blair. She said that she has been so busy lately, etc. For over a month we have been trying to get together for coffee but something always comes up. Maybe I feel left out or pushed aside or not paid attention to with everyone being busy (dad and Marian). I also spoke briefly on the phone with my mother today and I said something about having to call dad and she responded with, "Don't call him, he is too busy with work. He doesn't need to be bothered." This upset me too. The fact that I feel as though I was basically told I should not call him at work.
The second thing that bothered me with the email was in regards to things my mother wanted to be finalized by the time she left to go to Florida March 16. An overwhelming fear hit me and I started freaking out- panicking that I could not possibly get this all done by then. This is making me very anxious. I feel like this is a lot oto get done and finalized by then. I have a lot of ideas and have been working on all of the following things that she listed, but nothing is 100% complete and I don't know if I am going to be able to make final decisions by then. Ahhhh. I broke down crying in regards to this. Later in the day when I was driving somewhere this all came across my mind again and I just could not take it. I sent a text to Dijana and asked if she could help me with some of these thigns. She is one of my bridesmaids and is very into fashion/decorating/planning etc and said she would love to help with anything. I feel horrible asking because I feel that these are all things that I, the bride, should be completing on my own without needing help from others. But I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I need help.
Now prior to my leaving I would like to wrap up some wedding things..1. finalize table setting colors/decor (need to make an appt)2. visit a florist for shits and grins..3. nail down and make a reservation for a hotel in Baltimore4. finalize food selection/cake5. finalize and make appt for bridesmaid dresses6. finalize birdcage decoration..
I left a voice mail with Marisa in regards to my decision about the screening of "Someday Melissa" next Thursday at Reflections. I told her that I have decided not to go because I do not feel that it is a wise idea to potentially bring myself into a situation that may affect me negatively. For reason I had wished I could of spoken to her and not her voice mail. I have tried figuring out why, but I cannot come to any reasoning.
I then found out my work schedule for next week at PetSmart. I immediately broke down in sobs when I read it. My hours were cut by ten hours. I was shocked and could not believe it. Is he really doing this because I am leaving? I do not know why else this would of happened. Everyone else's hours are about the same. This makes me very angry and upset.
I visited Blair today finally. It has been over a month since I have seen her and her family. I have been very nervous about seeing her since the whole Wedding Invite thing went on with my sister. I was crying driving there due to being upset about all the wedding decisions being needed, so I stopped at the end of the road to put myself together before walking in her house. I stopped because if I walked in upset she would ask why and that would bring along the wedding issues. I just couldn't bring it up. Not today. I was not and still am not ready to discuss that and I don't know when I will be. I have no idea what I will say or how I will bring the whole situation up.
It was great seeing Blair- she made me smile immediately! I did start to cry a few times while there though. First Patrick came home (from crew practice) and started talking about crew with me of course. This was hard for me. Apparently they started on the water this week, I had thought that they were starting next week. That was the first thing that bothered me and did not sit well. It's just so hard to hear them talk about Langley crew. It's painful. I put on a pretend face and kept talking but inside I wanted to scream and run off. The second time that I started to cry was when Blair asked said she was going to make a grilled cheese sandwich for herself and asked if I wanted one. On the spur of the moment without thinking I said yes. Then I realized what I had just said yes too. Grilled cheese? Really? I have not had that in YEARS. So many things started swirling through my head. I immediately regretted saying yes. I got very anxious and scared. Before I could say I changed my mind, too much time had passed and it was on a plate in front of me. I said thank you and was polite but was shaking while I ate it. I didn't even taste it. I had no hunger at all today and was full the entire day. It was a very odd day food wise and this situation at Blair's i feel was very unusual. Something like this hasn't happened for a while. Okay never mind...it happened at almost every meal last weekend while in Georgia. A lot of anxiety mainly. And a lot of uncomfortable feelings inside.
The last thing that occurred, which I am actually proud of and felt good about was talking to Lauren. We had a good conversation about random shit and I laughed a lot. I then decided to say to her that I felt it would be best if during our conversations we stayed away from talking about therapy/Joanna/eating etc. She agreed with me and I felt great after saying this. We both agreed that we would like to have a friendship outside of what brought us together.
Weird, I just found my self saying to Penny, "I love you...I hope you still love me (followed by crying)." I have no idea where this came from. I just don't see the correlation. Wait..perhaps I somehow feel that other people are very busy and therefore not paying attention to me which then maybe translates to them not loving me? But how silly is that to think that someone being busy could equate to them not loving me."
Another thing that is sitting uncomfortably with me is the fact that yesterday my psychiatrist asked what weight was set for me to have to go into the hospital again. I said that there wasn't one. No more talk about that. Didn't change meds. Nothing. He said that it seems like things are on the rise for me because of the new job. But after yesterday and today....I don't know.
Here is something I typed up last night....basically it's for me to read to Joanna when I see her on Monday...
"
I feel as though so many things have occurred between our session yesterday and tonight. To me it feels like an abundant amount and it is very overwhelming right now. It all keeps swirling around in my head. It is difficult to describe my mood today because it has been all over the place. It has jumped a multitude of times from being happy to crying and being very depressed and sullen. I do not know if it is due to the various things that have come up within the past 24-36 hours, or if I am making myself this way. I do feel that some things that have occurred would make sense to my mood shifts, but I am not positive.
To start things off, Lindsay messaged me on gchat and asked me how I was and what was new. I responded with, "Great! I just got the job I have been wanting!" I was still on a so called "high" from everything working out so well with Banfield. She responded with, "I applied for that too." And then continued even though I did not ask any question for her to follow up with more information. "I got offered the same job at the Banfield in Leesburg but turned it down. It wasn't worth the $11/hr." Wow, that made me feel like complete utter shit. I felt like a 50 pound rock had landed on top of me. As though I was completely shot down and all my happiness and excitement from getting this position was flushed down the toilet. I know for a fact that I am a lot more intelligent than her both academically and common sense wise. I was furious and very upset. I felt like she purposely said that to piss me off, or at least that's how it came across. Why does she have to make herself seem better than me? Why does she always have to have the last word? It's like she is stuck in fucking middle school where childish games are played. Lastly, this was in the middle of the day while she was at work. Isn't she supposed to be "working"? This whole conversation bothered me a significant amount. It made me doubt myself a considerable amount.
A positive thing- when I saw Jill she said I maintained weight! This made me very happy :)
I went to my appointment with Dr Ceaser this morning. I feel as though they are pointless. Seeing him or my previous psychiatrist. I just don't see the point in it. How can someone who sees me for 15-20min once every three months know whether my medication is working or not? It just seems like a waste of money and time. And just silly. Pure stupidity to go I feel.
My mother sent me an email this morning that had many things she wanted me to get done in it. I felt various emotions after reading the email. The first thing that happened was that my stomach became queasy and sadness filled within me while I read the second paragraph. She said that my father was going to be on TDY in Ft Belvoir from March 12 - April 6 and that she will be going to Florida from March 16-26 or so. I can't really put my finger on to why I got upset by this, but as I think about it more I have formulated an idea. Right about the same time I read this I received a text from Marian McKee saying that she probably was not going to get home in time tonight to see me while I was at their house visiting Blair. She said that she has been so busy lately, etc. For over a month we have been trying to get together for coffee but something always comes up. Maybe I feel left out or pushed aside or not paid attention to with everyone being busy (dad and Marian). I also spoke briefly on the phone with my mother today and I said something about having to call dad and she responded with, "Don't call him, he is too busy with work. He doesn't need to be bothered." This upset me too. The fact that I feel as though I was basically told I should not call him at work.
The second thing that bothered me with the email was in regards to things my mother wanted to be finalized by the time she left to go to Florida March 16. An overwhelming fear hit me and I started freaking out- panicking that I could not possibly get this all done by then. This is making me very anxious. I feel like this is a lot oto get done and finalized by then. I have a lot of ideas and have been working on all of the following things that she listed, but nothing is 100% complete and I don't know if I am going to be able to make final decisions by then. Ahhhh. I broke down crying in regards to this. Later in the day when I was driving somewhere this all came across my mind again and I just could not take it. I sent a text to Dijana and asked if she could help me with some of these thigns. She is one of my bridesmaids and is very into fashion/decorating/planning etc and said she would love to help with anything. I feel horrible asking because I feel that these are all things that I, the bride, should be completing on my own without needing help from others. But I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I need help.
Now prior to my leaving I would like to wrap up some wedding things..1. finalize table setting colors/decor (need to make an appt)2. visit a florist for shits and grins..3. nail down and make a reservation for a hotel in Baltimore4. finalize food selection/cake5. finalize and make appt for bridesmaid dresses6. finalize birdcage decoration..
I left a voice mail with Marisa in regards to my decision about the screening of "Someday Melissa" next Thursday at Reflections. I told her that I have decided not to go because I do not feel that it is a wise idea to potentially bring myself into a situation that may affect me negatively. For reason I had wished I could of spoken to her and not her voice mail. I have tried figuring out why, but I cannot come to any reasoning.
I then found out my work schedule for next week at PetSmart. I immediately broke down in sobs when I read it. My hours were cut by ten hours. I was shocked and could not believe it. Is he really doing this because I am leaving? I do not know why else this would of happened. Everyone else's hours are about the same. This makes me very angry and upset.
I visited Blair today finally. It has been over a month since I have seen her and her family. I have been very nervous about seeing her since the whole Wedding Invite thing went on with my sister. I was crying driving there due to being upset about all the wedding decisions being needed, so I stopped at the end of the road to put myself together before walking in her house. I stopped because if I walked in upset she would ask why and that would bring along the wedding issues. I just couldn't bring it up. Not today. I was not and still am not ready to discuss that and I don't know when I will be. I have no idea what I will say or how I will bring the whole situation up.
It was great seeing Blair- she made me smile immediately! I did start to cry a few times while there though. First Patrick came home (from crew practice) and started talking about crew with me of course. This was hard for me. Apparently they started on the water this week, I had thought that they were starting next week. That was the first thing that bothered me and did not sit well. It's just so hard to hear them talk about Langley crew. It's painful. I put on a pretend face and kept talking but inside I wanted to scream and run off. The second time that I started to cry was when Blair asked said she was going to make a grilled cheese sandwich for herself and asked if I wanted one. On the spur of the moment without thinking I said yes. Then I realized what I had just said yes too. Grilled cheese? Really? I have not had that in YEARS. So many things started swirling through my head. I immediately regretted saying yes. I got very anxious and scared. Before I could say I changed my mind, too much time had passed and it was on a plate in front of me. I said thank you and was polite but was shaking while I ate it. I didn't even taste it. I had no hunger at all today and was full the entire day. It was a very odd day food wise and this situation at Blair's i feel was very unusual. Something like this hasn't happened for a while. Okay never mind...it happened at almost every meal last weekend while in Georgia. A lot of anxiety mainly. And a lot of uncomfortable feelings inside.
The last thing that occurred, which I am actually proud of and felt good about was talking to Lauren. We had a good conversation about random shit and I laughed a lot. I then decided to say to her that I felt it would be best if during our conversations we stayed away from talking about therapy/Joanna/eating etc. She agreed with me and I felt great after saying this. We both agreed that we would like to have a friendship outside of what brought us together.
Weird, I just found my self saying to Penny, "I love you...I hope you still love me (followed by crying)." I have no idea where this came from. I just don't see the correlation. Wait..perhaps I somehow feel that other people are very busy and therefore not paying attention to me which then maybe translates to them not loving me? But how silly is that to think that someone being busy could equate to them not loving me."
Another thing that is sitting uncomfortably with me is the fact that yesterday my psychiatrist asked what weight was set for me to have to go into the hospital again. I said that there wasn't one. No more talk about that. Didn't change meds. Nothing. He said that it seems like things are on the rise for me because of the new job. But after yesterday and today....I don't know.
Replies
so much happened in such a short time, its no wonder you are in overdrive and overwhekmed. lindsay is certainly not being a friend and how insulting to say that to you when you are so happy, get her out of your mind, the comment is ignorant. what id tdy? maybe you shouldnt have asked your mom to call dad, i would call anyway, he is special to you. your mother has a lot of nerve. she wants to appear in charge of everything, you and of course the wedding. when is the wedding? the list is common things that need to be done, and maybe set 1 to accomplish in a couple of days. where is she in helping you
? do any of your bridesmaids willing to help? the petsmart thing sucks, whose to know why, when are you working there till? right now at my work, everyones hours are cut big time, it sucks and impossible to live on. hey! you did eat the grilled cheese, you would of never thought it possible, remember to keep eating, you are under a lot of stress. great job on speaking up and asking the conversation to stay away from trigger areas and you had a good talk. many hugsss
Ok, your convo with Lindsay: Why does she have to make herself seem better than me? Excuse me but that is exactly what you are doing all the time. You are the better coach, the thinner sister, the smarter friend. Quit with the competition already. So maybe $11 isn\'t enough for her, she might not need the money. You do and it should be about the job anyway not the damn money. I hate to burst your bubble but there are people out there who are smarter, prettier and thinner than you. Why can\'t you just be happy you got the job? You don\'t need anybody\'s approval. I\'ve worked for minimum wage - nothing wrong with that.
Good job on keeping on the weight and you are right about the psych. You should see him once a month at least until your meds are figured out.
Having not to work so many hours gives you time to do some of your wedding stuff and good job for asking for help. That\'s what friends are for.
Yes, grilled cheese is scary, but you did it - awesome.
Reading all this I really think you are overanalyzing yourself and spending too much time on yourself. I have times like that too and they always are depressing. So try to just take things as they come and not shrink yourself. I think you have too much therapy already anyway.
Yes Karin, I know all of that. And yes I re-read what I had written many times before seeing Joanna yesterday, posed questions about my responses, analyzed it and saw my reactions from the other person\'s point of view. I took in the other\'s perspective. So when I saw Joanna I went thourgh everything that occured Friday, Sat, Sun but also put in the questions and my thoughts etc. She was impressed with all the work that I put in and how I was actually able to try to see it from other\'s points of view.
I do know I spend a lot of time on myself- its when i\'m alone and don\'t have things to do. My brain just goes out of control and crazy.