FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT
This morning I woke up in a fantastic mood! Walked into my appt with Joanna with smiles and lots of energy. Well, that got shot down pretty quickly.
When I went in to see Joanna this morning, she started off by mentioning she spoke to both Jill and Dr Ceaser (my new psychiatrist who specializes in ED's whom I have seen 2x this week). Joanna said that both Jill and Dr Ceaser said that I should be admitted to the hospital immediately with my current status. Dr Ceaser said I should be hospitalized right away because I am anorexic (which I have never had that term/diagnosis...just Eating Disorder), I am mentally unstable, and physically unstable. Of course I disagree, but that is not the point. Joanna and I spent our entire session discussing food/weight/hospital etc. I do not want to go to the hospital and was trying to come up with anything and everything that will keep me out. So we made an agreement, well I kind of forced it upon her since she does not like doing that.
What I agreed to/created was that I will gain 10 pounds in 5 weeks. Basically I need to be at 110 for anything to work and for me to get anywhere in therapy. So that's 2 pounds a week, starting Monday. Monday I need to be at least 100 and then 2 pounds up from that each following monday. If I fail and do not meet a weight one week, I get a pass but the following week I need to gain 2 pounds + the amount I didn't get to that week. Then if I don't make it a second time I am going to the hospital. This is the only way to stay out of the hospital. I hope and pray I can do this. I don't want to but I don't want to go to the hospital. And at the very least it will at least buy me time before having to go in......IF I have to.
Joanna is afraid that making this is putting up to fail because she does not know if I can actually do it. But I want to try.This is going to be difficult, but it is better than going into the hospital and gaining a pound each day.
Oh and Dr Caeser will NOT put me on that other medication he mentioned yesterday because he doesn't feel comfortable doing any of that because of my current position. so we will see how things go.
This is my only option to stay out of the hospital. I am going to give it my all no matter how much it is going to fucking suck ass.
When I went in to see Joanna this morning, she started off by mentioning she spoke to both Jill and Dr Ceaser (my new psychiatrist who specializes in ED's whom I have seen 2x this week). Joanna said that both Jill and Dr Ceaser said that I should be admitted to the hospital immediately with my current status. Dr Ceaser said I should be hospitalized right away because I am anorexic (which I have never had that term/diagnosis...just Eating Disorder), I am mentally unstable, and physically unstable. Of course I disagree, but that is not the point. Joanna and I spent our entire session discussing food/weight/hospital etc. I do not want to go to the hospital and was trying to come up with anything and everything that will keep me out. So we made an agreement, well I kind of forced it upon her since she does not like doing that.
What I agreed to/created was that I will gain 10 pounds in 5 weeks. Basically I need to be at 110 for anything to work and for me to get anywhere in therapy. So that's 2 pounds a week, starting Monday. Monday I need to be at least 100 and then 2 pounds up from that each following monday. If I fail and do not meet a weight one week, I get a pass but the following week I need to gain 2 pounds + the amount I didn't get to that week. Then if I don't make it a second time I am going to the hospital. This is the only way to stay out of the hospital. I hope and pray I can do this. I don't want to but I don't want to go to the hospital. And at the very least it will at least buy me time before having to go in......IF I have to.
Joanna is afraid that making this is putting up to fail because she does not know if I can actually do it. But I want to try.This is going to be difficult, but it is better than going into the hospital and gaining a pound each day.
Oh and Dr Caeser will NOT put me on that other medication he mentioned yesterday because he doesn't feel comfortable doing any of that because of my current position. so we will see how things go.
This is my only option to stay out of the hospital. I am going to give it my all no matter how much it is going to fucking suck ass.
Replies
I agree with your psych and your dietician. I think you need to be iP mostly because of your mental and emotional state. As far as ed goes, I think if you are forced it won\'t do much good. But sometimes people are such a danger to themselves that they can\'t choose for themselves. I don\'t know if that is where you are at. I hope you will accomplish your plan but to tell you the truth I don\'t see it as a solution, more like a bargaining tool. I can tell you absolutely hate the idea and will do it only to get your will and stay out of IP. Not to discourage you but honestly I don\'t think it will work like that in the long run.
Well Joanna didn\'t really want to agree to it anyways because she doesn\'t want to set me up to fail. bottom line i\'m pretty sure i\'ll be heading to the hospital. i also called my psych like he told me to after i saw Joanna today and he didnt call me back . i called him later again and left a voicemail because after i picked up the prescription he wrote for me it was the wrong strength. I need 1mg not .5mg so i had to take more today and he only gave me supply for one week. I\'m afraid he has callen joanna or something and is telling her i have to go in. im so scared and now am crying. i have been so strong and have refrained from crying yesterday and today. FUCK i\'m such a god damn pussy\\
on a positive note i did tell my entire family so that they know what the plan is. joanna said if i didnt then she would call them and tell them or email them or have them come in.
i hate my life. i want to change.
I gotta say I am kinda like you with the plan stuff...but I really hope you want it as much work you put into thinking of the plan you will do it... It is hard, I get that...really do... but you can do it.. I think if you are mentally unstable, and ED sure isn\'t helping that...maybe just getting that extra help will just help everything... can\'t get any worse... I think anyways.. But I do like what you say is I WANT TO CHANGE.. thats awesome... My psych just took control of me...so I know when they take control is hard, but honestly it was kinda nice...cause its hard to deal with it all... I sure hope you are ok..hang in there! And good job on talking to your family...you are doing the right steps
I am glad to hear from you on here - I know you have been struggling a lot so it was nice to see your journal entry. I do agree with Joanna and think that putting you on the plan is good - just make sure that you stick to it. I guess I wonder, though, if your heart is into it. Do you understand that you have to gain weight to be healthy and ok? Maybe some of the anger is Ed lashing out and if you do put on a few pounds it might quiet some of that. I think you should embrace where you are trying to go and put trust in your treatment team in order for it to work. I know it sucks to hear but if 3 professionals are all in agreement that you really need more help then maybe it is time to take a step back and realize that you have the opportunity to do it for real this time. I have gone to outpatient treatment with the sole purpose of putting weight on to get everyone off my back and I can tell you that it won\'t work if you are going in that way. I am not trying to sound like a downer and I am not hearing you say that you feel this way - I just want to caution you to make sure to be positive and allow them to help you. Wouldn\'t it be cool if a lot of the anxiety and anger could go away and you wouldn\'t have to deal with this anymore? You are such a great person and I just want you to be happy. Just some thoughts to think about my dear.
Hugs....
Crying is good bubba and kudos for telling your family. How did they react. I hope your mom isn\'t giving you the third degree.
she was like \'well why cant u just do this on your own. why cant you do it for yourself\' w/e shes a fucking idiot
you know by now not to listen to anything your mother says. i like the plan and i dont. if it puts some weight on you thats great, but i have concerns once you accomplish the goal, you will fall back to the old ways, as your mind set isnt going to change, you are doing this to put off the what will happen in the end. it must be frightening and scary and i know you dont want to go ip, but you have other issues besides your anorexia, the anger, hatred of life, crying over, as you have said, a minor thing. all these issues are mental illnesses and i feel at the point your at, the only way to truly get better is ip. great job on telling everyone, just remember mother has never been there for you. sorry if i sound harsh, im worried for you.