From then to now ... Still me but different
Friendships that span pretty much your entire life are bonds that remain even without daily interaction. I was reminded of this the other day.
A friend of mine since we were 7 years old (and we turn 50 this year) called me for help. I'm really proud of her for going back to college to get a degree in Human Services that she had put on hold years back to raise her family.
She had to interview a person in a human service job for her summer class and 1/3 of her grade. We met at my work so I could not only answer her questions for her interview but also to show her our program so she could see what a Psychiatric Residential Program looked like. Having never seen or even an understanding of how an RRP works, as many don't, she was impressed. I must admit I take pride in how our program looks, runs and helps. I put a lot of elbow grease getting our houses to be warm and inviting.
We returned to my office to do the interview part. Having been friends for so long she of course knew my son, Randy Lee, about his passing and the rumors about town of the how & why that range from one extreme to another. We talked about all of that as she looked over my pictures. I love pictures and I enjoy my work family so my one office wall is "our story" ~ staff and good times through the years.
Generalized questions as always - what do you expect to make as far as salary in this field? What experience do you need for entry level? leadership? are you expected to continue your education? What tasks do you complete daily? and so on. The questions drifted to our memories, Randy Lee, her kids and not last or least but our teenage antics. We are truly thankful we did all that DUMB stuff before the internet age. :)
12 years, what I consider a good friend and yet she didn't know the truth on Randy Lee's death. Talking about his passing as well as how that led me to this job made more sense to her. She said "I didn't know how you could work like this with all you went through". Oh but see, what I lived with Randy Lee IS WHY I'm here. There isn't a doubt in my mind that I was guided to this work. It's where I can make a difference.
Sitting there after all her work was completed just more chatting. We talked about so much and as always, I'm honest about Randy Lee. I'm still his mom, it still hurts but I've long since learned nothing can change the outcome for him but his story has changed the outcome for others. His gift from beyond the grave.
I realized early that her insight into mental health is limited and she admitted it was years after her grandson had been diagnosed with autism and some other issues that she understood you can't just "stop acting that way".
I left work after we said our goodbyes and on the drive home my mind kept returning to something she and I have in common that few know about. Suicide. I honestly had no desire to go on with life after Randy Lee passed away. I had it planned, when, where, how and the why was, at least in my mind, a logical reason. Why did I do this ... or that. Why couldn't I fix it? I'm a mom ... I fix things, I protect my child and I failed. I'm not going to say that I am 100% beyond feeling I did everything right. I know I didn't. I just now know I can't change it. My bonus son Jason showed up in front of me at the market the night I planned to leave this world. He said things I needed to hear ... he made me realize Randy Lee did understand even if it didn't change his actions. He saved me from myself. My husband knows - I've told him. I've shared it with a few people when I needed to make sure they realized it can happen to anyone. But overall ... no one knows that about me. They tell me how strong I am and how well I handle things in my life but truth be told - we all have moments of weakness, we all have regrets, we all wish this or that and if so would it make a difference. I know in my heart if love could have saved Randy Lee - he would be standing here with me today.
The stigma of what others thought about what was going on with him, judging me and my parenting skills, questioning my love for my child,... people all have an opinion. What they don't know they simply make up.
There was a point in my life when I was weak and worried about what people would think - I had to be the do it all, involved, informed, working, perfect house, decorator, etc. MOM of the year. I wasted so much time worried about getting my house vacuumed every day, nothing out of place, not so much as a dirty glass in the sink as I worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time. All that wasted time. Now ~ I honestly don't care what anyone thinks of me, my work, my life. I don't need that validation to know who I am.
Sad it wasn't a lesson I learned before Randy Lee moved on to his afterlife. For me, it's a gift I get to share with others. I get to help break stigma in my community. I get to educate others on why it's not okay to treat people who are struggling with whatever differently. We're all part of the greater plan. We all have a job to do . We all have a life to live that , whether or not we realize it,
Each of us have a place ... each of us paths that we cross throughout life ... each of us make a difference.
I'm a mom, my son left here before I was ready even though I know it was his time. God blessed me with Randy Lee for 18 years. Not all were great but I loved him every second he was here ... and each he's not. He was a special person who make a difference in so many lives ... and he is remembered with smiles. No one is ever happy to lose a loved one, especially a child but I can't say I would wish it on another either. This path that I'm on with so many other parents is a journey any one of us would trade in a heart beat but for whatever reason ~ we are here.
I know I still have days when I drop to my knees and my heart aches so badly I don't think I can go on ... but I do. How or why ... I don't know. I also know that my heartache and pain has taught me a lot about myself that I'm able to share with others. Doing that ~ THAT is what makes me go on.
Stigma is sadly alive and well in our nation. Treating others differently because of their disability, addiction, mental illness, race, religion, whatever is wrong. We all shoulder so much that others are no aware of so the next time you see someone you think is acting out, dressed oddly, or doing something that makes you look longer at them ~ smile, say hello and know that gesture alone may make their day.
A friend of mine since we were 7 years old (and we turn 50 this year) called me for help. I'm really proud of her for going back to college to get a degree in Human Services that she had put on hold years back to raise her family.
She had to interview a person in a human service job for her summer class and 1/3 of her grade. We met at my work so I could not only answer her questions for her interview but also to show her our program so she could see what a Psychiatric Residential Program looked like. Having never seen or even an understanding of how an RRP works, as many don't, she was impressed. I must admit I take pride in how our program looks, runs and helps. I put a lot of elbow grease getting our houses to be warm and inviting.
We returned to my office to do the interview part. Having been friends for so long she of course knew my son, Randy Lee, about his passing and the rumors about town of the how & why that range from one extreme to another. We talked about all of that as she looked over my pictures. I love pictures and I enjoy my work family so my one office wall is "our story" ~ staff and good times through the years.
Generalized questions as always - what do you expect to make as far as salary in this field? What experience do you need for entry level? leadership? are you expected to continue your education? What tasks do you complete daily? and so on. The questions drifted to our memories, Randy Lee, her kids and not last or least but our teenage antics. We are truly thankful we did all that DUMB stuff before the internet age. :)
12 years, what I consider a good friend and yet she didn't know the truth on Randy Lee's death. Talking about his passing as well as how that led me to this job made more sense to her. She said "I didn't know how you could work like this with all you went through". Oh but see, what I lived with Randy Lee IS WHY I'm here. There isn't a doubt in my mind that I was guided to this work. It's where I can make a difference.
Sitting there after all her work was completed just more chatting. We talked about so much and as always, I'm honest about Randy Lee. I'm still his mom, it still hurts but I've long since learned nothing can change the outcome for him but his story has changed the outcome for others. His gift from beyond the grave.
I realized early that her insight into mental health is limited and she admitted it was years after her grandson had been diagnosed with autism and some other issues that she understood you can't just "stop acting that way".
I left work after we said our goodbyes and on the drive home my mind kept returning to something she and I have in common that few know about. Suicide. I honestly had no desire to go on with life after Randy Lee passed away. I had it planned, when, where, how and the why was, at least in my mind, a logical reason. Why did I do this ... or that. Why couldn't I fix it? I'm a mom ... I fix things, I protect my child and I failed. I'm not going to say that I am 100% beyond feeling I did everything right. I know I didn't. I just now know I can't change it. My bonus son Jason showed up in front of me at the market the night I planned to leave this world. He said things I needed to hear ... he made me realize Randy Lee did understand even if it didn't change his actions. He saved me from myself. My husband knows - I've told him. I've shared it with a few people when I needed to make sure they realized it can happen to anyone. But overall ... no one knows that about me. They tell me how strong I am and how well I handle things in my life but truth be told - we all have moments of weakness, we all have regrets, we all wish this or that and if so would it make a difference. I know in my heart if love could have saved Randy Lee - he would be standing here with me today.
The stigma of what others thought about what was going on with him, judging me and my parenting skills, questioning my love for my child,... people all have an opinion. What they don't know they simply make up.
There was a point in my life when I was weak and worried about what people would think - I had to be the do it all, involved, informed, working, perfect house, decorator, etc. MOM of the year. I wasted so much time worried about getting my house vacuumed every day, nothing out of place, not so much as a dirty glass in the sink as I worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time. All that wasted time. Now ~ I honestly don't care what anyone thinks of me, my work, my life. I don't need that validation to know who I am.
Sad it wasn't a lesson I learned before Randy Lee moved on to his afterlife. For me, it's a gift I get to share with others. I get to help break stigma in my community. I get to educate others on why it's not okay to treat people who are struggling with whatever differently. We're all part of the greater plan. We all have a job to do . We all have a life to live that , whether or not we realize it,
Each of us have a place ... each of us paths that we cross throughout life ... each of us make a difference.
I'm a mom, my son left here before I was ready even though I know it was his time. God blessed me with Randy Lee for 18 years. Not all were great but I loved him every second he was here ... and each he's not. He was a special person who make a difference in so many lives ... and he is remembered with smiles. No one is ever happy to lose a loved one, especially a child but I can't say I would wish it on another either. This path that I'm on with so many other parents is a journey any one of us would trade in a heart beat but for whatever reason ~ we are here.
I know I still have days when I drop to my knees and my heart aches so badly I don't think I can go on ... but I do. How or why ... I don't know. I also know that my heartache and pain has taught me a lot about myself that I'm able to share with others. Doing that ~ THAT is what makes me go on.
Stigma is sadly alive and well in our nation. Treating others differently because of their disability, addiction, mental illness, race, religion, whatever is wrong. We all shoulder so much that others are no aware of so the next time you see someone you think is acting out, dressed oddly, or doing something that makes you look longer at them ~ smile, say hello and know that gesture alone may make their day.
Replies
What a beautiful journal... Your words have a calm wisdom that came from a horrific event. You have taken an terrific loss and paid forward with kindness and acceptance of those different from what people see as \"normal\"...God bless you...love and hugs...Karen
I am already your friend and I miss you.
Beautiful journal. ..sharing your heart really touched me....THANK you. ..hugs Vicki
I miss you . Phils Mamma
I had it in mind to try to find something positive out of Cara\'s death... I wasn\'t strong enough... I am glad you are persevering. I read your words about knowing you made mistakes... I understand... like I told my counselor recently.... she had asked me when I was going to stop blaming myself for Cara\'s death... I told her never... because I know I made mistakes... They weren\'t intentional... some of them had roots in other people\'s histories... but I believe my inability to overcome the depression, anxiety and lack of self confidence contributed to Cara\'s depression, anxiety and lack of self confidence... I hate it but I think I should have dealt with Cara\'s illness as if she\'d had cancer and was on the verge of death... I\'d have been sitting beside her trying to save her instead of trying to continue working while she couldn\'t get to the life saving treatments she needed... She didn\'t have cancer but she was in danger of dying... and she did die... I should have quit my job and refused to do anything until I found an in patient treatment facility with an opening. I thought I had no choice... that our family\'s economic well being would be destroyed... so I continued working... even refusing to come home early that Sunday... I was concerned for my boss. He had cancer... on the weekend, usually only Sunday did he feel like he could take a day off and get some rest. So I didn\'t want to call him in. After she died I went back to work I think it was 1 week later it may have been 2 weeks. That time is rather foggy for me. A little over a month after she died I was in the hospital. Then my boss made a business decision. He let me go. I am so ashamed. I begged him not to. He told me it was a done deal... a business decision. And It really was bad for awhile... and there continues to be fall out. I got my social security disability... but to be honest... my feelings of self worth have really been devastated. I am and feel useless. Back to my original thought... I will never stop feeling that I hold at the very least some of the fault in Cara\'s death... I know I tried... so I forgive myself, and I believe Cara never blamed me or if so she too forgives me...