From last night.

Happy. Anxious. Elated. Sad. Anxious. Nervous and terrified.Those are the words in order that describe my feelings throughout today. How isit possible to change so drastically like this throughout one day? It seemsridiculous.
I woke up in a fantastic mood. I felt great and veryenergetic. It seemed as though when I came into our session there was notreally anything to talk about. I feel as though when I am happy and in a greatmood, I just go blank…or talk endlessly about random things.
Afterwards I met up with my mother and sister for lunch. Weordered and I felt pretty good when we ordered. I figured what I got wouldsatisfy my mother and sister (to prevent questions), as well as beingsemi-comfortable for me. I had some random salad thing…salmon, roastedpotatoes, green beans and goat cheese on top of a bed of lettuce. I know Ishouldn’t, but I asked for no dressing. When I got it there was dressing. Itried to avoid it, but couldn’t- so I was screwed. Afterwards I felt absolutelydisgusted with myself; I wanted to get rid of everything that I had justconsumed. I went to the bathroom with the thought running through my end, butended up not doing it because I was paranoid my mother and sister would notice.I can just tell that I gained weight and if I keep eating like that I willcontinue.
We then went to a bridal boutique. I was very nervous. Ireally had no idea what I was looking for. I felt completely blind walking in.The first dress I tried on, I loved! I never thought I would ever say that Ilooked beautiful, but I did. I was on cloud nine. It fit me beautifully and wasabsolutely gorgeous. I tried on more, but none of the others compared to thefirst one. It was perfect. The only issue is that the designer no longer makesthe dress and it is the last one around. Therefore, if I wanted it I had to buyit then, or take a risk that no one else would buy it. We went elsewhere, looked at a lot ofdresses, but nothing compared to the first one. I felt so guilty getting itright away (especially since I was not planning on it) because mom and dadwould have to front the money so quickly. But…I got it and couldn’t behappier!!
On the way to my parent’s house from getting the dress Icalled Oma to tell her about the dress. She then said, “Well you better putsome weight on before your wedding.” She then said how much she worries aboutme constantly because I have lost so much weight. I go frustrated because Ialways am positive when I talk to her so that she doesn’t worry. I love her toomuch to want her to worry. (I know you’re probably going to say, well if youdon’t want her to worry then you know what you have to do….if you don’t’ changethen it sounds like you do want her to worry. That’s not true at all. I guessmy mother told her about the weight loss. I understand that my mother needs anoutlet, but I don’t want Oma to worry. I can’t have her worry. I feel like I amfailing her. Oma also said that I need to do this for myself. That I am sohelpful and caring to others and that I would stop everything just to helpsomeone else. Oma said that is what I need to do for myself. She continued saying all of the positivesthings about me. It hurts me that I amhurting her. I need to change for her. But I can’t fathom gaining weight. I can’t.I am comfortable for once. I actually said that I looked beautiful today.
I was very uneasy at my mother’s house this evening. Whileshe was preparing dinner I was watching what she was cooking and saw everythingthat she put in the food. After knowing what she was putting in the meal shewas cooking there was no way I wanted to eat all the heavy ingredients she putin. I was very uncomfortable eating.
As I was about to leave she said to me that she was notlooking forward to everyone at the race coming up to her and questioning her aboutmy weight. I told her that I was as well, but she completely disregarded what Isaid. She continued saying how the boats she had were crappy, yet she is in twobetter boats than me. To be honest, at this point I don’t give a shit aboutwhat boat I am in. I don’t even want to go anymore. I am not in the mood. Ihave no desire to race. I should of never offered to cox.
I have broken down in tears a fewtimes today but have hid it from everyone. I just put on a happy face and moveon. Even when I was anxious and upset today I hid it from everyone, I didn’twant questioning etc.
I can’t even remember the wonderful feeling that I had when Itried on the beautiful gown, as well as when I purchased it. I try to rememberthose feelings, but can’t. I feel as though I am in a very sad and lonely moodright now. My mind now has started worrying about the two weeks I will bewithout seeing you. I can’t do it. There is no way. What if the things thathappened today come again? (I know you will say that it wasn’t a bad day, but Ican only focus on the things that went sour. Talking to my oma, dinner,potential comments tomorrow and now the fact that I will be on my own for twoweeks.) What the hell am I going to do those two weeks? I am too scared. I can’tdo it. There is no way I can do this. No way in hell. Too scared. I knowsomething bad is going to happen. I can feel it. Then what? I completely hatemyself right now. I am such a weak person. I am pathetic I should be able tohandles this but I can’t. I just can’t do this. I feel ridiculous saying thisbecause it is so dumb that I can’t handle two weeks on my own, but that’s how Ifeel. I am worthless if I can’t do this.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You need to tell your psych about your sudden mood changes. To me it sound bipolar but I of course have no clue. All I know is that it must be scary to feel good one and bad the next minute.
I\'m so happy you found your dress. The way you describe it reminds me of or the show: girl meets dress.
You\'re not failing anybody and your mom should have asked you before telling your grandma about your weight loss. If she needs more support she should see a therapist. And she needs to be less self centered. If people ask questions so be it.
Take one day at a time and don\'t obsess about the future. It will drive you crazy.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I agree with Karrin, but another thing you might want to explore is also trying to set some seperation with your family and yourself, and that might help...I get the same way with my family...I might be having a great start to the day, and then go do something with them and then things can get a little off, and my emotions can change. Not saying its that...but just a thought..
ann54
ann54

so happy about the dress and that you thought your looked beautiful, when was the last time you thought that? keep thinking those thoughts.yes your mother neeeds an outlet but an apprioate one, not your oma. this is upsetting to all. i would talk with your mom and tell her dont do it again. she must not want her mother to get all upset. you should see a doctor about the mood swings, do they happen often? if so, it could be somethng you need taken care of.i agree with karin on the one day at a time and you might actually enjoy the time away from family. bring some safe foods to fall back on.
tuxedomck
tuxedomck

NEVER before in my life have I thought i looked beautiful. HAHAHA....sorry but that\'s funny rg my mother...NOTHING goes through her head...I try talking and it goes in one ear and out the other...she\'s ALWAYS right...HAHAHA

I sent this journal to Joanna...hence why it\'s written like it\'s to her lol. i forgot to mention that when i wrote it.

thank you all