Friday Morning
Horrible dreams. Why is it that if I dream at all they have to be so awful...every fear all rolled into one Dream. I am determined not to have it send me into an anxiety attack. I got up..glad this is a non gym morning now. Fighting the nausea and freezing from the cold sweats ..and trying not to think about my youngest who is sick right now. I grab a cup of coffee and I sit in the chair with a cat on my lap and close my eyes for a while trying to let the drone of the news seems comforting.
This is what I remember:
I am sick..or injured..something that requires being in the hospital...my boyfriend is there..along with his best friend and all the kids....I keep asking what they are doing and that I don't want any treatment but they just laugh and smile and say everything will be fine. Then it is done and they are sending me home but I don't seem to have full control of myself..I keep feeling sick and that I can't make it but somehow I am holding on...instead of taking me home to rest we end up walking on this trail...we meet up with his best friends wife and they make dinner plans...I am an after thought and I just want to rest but they just keep repeating I am fine.
It gets fuzzy after that..I don't remember anymore. I know my number one anxiety trigger is being sick and unable to care for myself. I was upset with him when I went to bed so maybe that's why his part in it.
As I sat there trying to relax this morning I was wondering if I am always being fair though. I always say I want someone who will hold me when I feel like this..but I wonder if that is the truth. Am I really being mad at HIM about it because I would not be able to be comforted by anyone when I am like this? I am not sure now...maybe I am always being a hypocrite.. Maybe the truth is I cannot ever truly be with someone again anyway and that is why I do not leave? Sure he's drinking...and he does not understand or want to understand my anxiety...but maybe now that this is what I have become I just need to be alone. I am not sure I could have sat still and been comforted..I felt like pacing although I was exhausted and felt sick.
Maybe I am just supposed to be alone now.
This is what I remember:
I am sick..or injured..something that requires being in the hospital...my boyfriend is there..along with his best friend and all the kids....I keep asking what they are doing and that I don't want any treatment but they just laugh and smile and say everything will be fine. Then it is done and they are sending me home but I don't seem to have full control of myself..I keep feeling sick and that I can't make it but somehow I am holding on...instead of taking me home to rest we end up walking on this trail...we meet up with his best friends wife and they make dinner plans...I am an after thought and I just want to rest but they just keep repeating I am fine.
It gets fuzzy after that..I don't remember anymore. I know my number one anxiety trigger is being sick and unable to care for myself. I was upset with him when I went to bed so maybe that's why his part in it.
As I sat there trying to relax this morning I was wondering if I am always being fair though. I always say I want someone who will hold me when I feel like this..but I wonder if that is the truth. Am I really being mad at HIM about it because I would not be able to be comforted by anyone when I am like this? I am not sure now...maybe I am always being a hypocrite.. Maybe the truth is I cannot ever truly be with someone again anyway and that is why I do not leave? Sure he's drinking...and he does not understand or want to understand my anxiety...but maybe now that this is what I have become I just need to be alone. I am not sure I could have sat still and been comforted..I felt like pacing although I was exhausted and felt sick.
Maybe I am just supposed to be alone now.
Replies
Sweetie,
It is hard enough to be with someone when your at 100% but trying to live with endless anxiety at the same time is incredible hard.
Unchecked anxiety has a snowballing effect, unless the original problem is solved it will blow everything else out of correct proportion. Eric
I don\'t have enough of an understanding to give truly \'good\' feedback but I know for me I have learned to \'self-sooth\' and this process can be learned and may be of help to you also.
Dreams are only the \'house cleaning\' crew coming in and trying to \'straighten up\' our realities - and oh boy, what fun they have in there while we are sleeping. I have given up trying to figure out my dreams -- just trying to figure out my waking life is all I can mange right now. LOL \'Bad\' dreams are a reflection of stressful events in our waking lives where the \'house cleaning\' crew is just trying to put our lives in order.
You are working hard at trying to get settled into your life and that can be very stressful and draining leaving you feeling a lot of anxiety. I think you are an a very good path and over time your life will continue to improve. Your BF seems to love you and you seem to love him and to have that shared love in this world, as screwed up as it is, is very special and worth hanging on to. Men are like our gardens - we have to \'pull the weeds\' and apply the right amount of \'fertilizer\' and they do just fine over time. Give him the time he needs and as long as he loves you, which he seems to, it may work out really well.
I think you are on the path to a good life but the anxiety keeps you so stressed that it becomes difficult to relax and enjoy what is good. Perhaps practicing relaxing and learning to focus on slow, deep breathing may help? I know when we are breathing slowly and deeply while relaxing the muscles of our bodies it becomes impossible to maintain a state of anxiety and with practice we can learn to relax and let go. It requires some practice and time but it may help with at least the \'dreams\' and developing the ability to let go of the stress?
Be very gentle with yourself and I think life is going to get better over time.
Keep venting, sharing and that will give you less to have to try and carry around triggering more anxiety. Just come and unload it all here and set it down so it can\'t inflict so much anxiety.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia