Friday July 29 2011

It's Friday again. I should be excited for the weekend but feeling pretty down again.  I got another email from my supposed father yesterday.  I originally got an email on my birthday.  I have not seen or talked to him since I was thirteen.  He has never been there through any of our struggles...why contact me now?  He is 68 this year ...I bet he's starting to feel pretty old and maybe regretting things he's done.  I guess every little girl wants to be close to her dad.  I think it's one of the reason I have stayed with my boyfriend for so long...it's one of the things I love about him the most is that no matter what he is always there for his girls.  Maybe not sober but he would never think of not being in their lives.  No matter how bad things were between his ex he never gave up. It's not like my dad just walked away though.  It was worse than that...the showing up at the hospital trying to prevent my back surgery..saying he had to live with it all his life so should I.,, the way he not only refused to give my mom any child support but when he found out that welfare would pay it for him while he wasn't working gave it up and told her we'd never see a dime.  I mean my mom got me an early work permit so I could start working at 14 so we could eat...she was already working 3 jobs at the time. 
I still remember when I was sixteen he sent this really expensive arrangement of pink roses to the house...I was so mad and told my mom that is was such a waste..all that money spent and I couldn't eat them or wear them so what good did it do?  I threw them in the trash. 
Wow, I didn't know this was bothering me til I started to type.  Now I feel like i'm going to throw up.