Friday-Day 39

It has been 39 days since I had a smoke.  Last night was the first time it has entered my mind that I wanted one in a couple of days. 

Class yesterday was a breeze and I texted him that I was on my way home but it was raining pretty good so I just took my time.  When I got home he had already been into the whiskey for a while and his speech was slurred as he handed me a nice hot cup of coffee.  Oddly, he didn't try to hug or kiss me and when I tried to hug him, he only half ass hugged me back.  He had to testify in a trial yesterday as a character witness for someone we know that has been accused of sexual abuse.  He is aware of my past abuse and we don't really talk about this much.  I have too many demons to give a rational opinion on that subject.  He wanted to tell me about how it went though so I sipped my coffee and listened.  He kept repeating the same part of the story...over and over again, like 4 times and when I tried to steer it to another part of the story he just repeated the same part...again.  That's when it popped into my head..I need a smoke, LOL.  I thought ..If I have to keep listening to this..I need a smoke. 

When I had first arrived home the timer went off for the chicken in the oven.  I saw what I thought was him turning everything off when he started to tell me his stories.  When it was almost 8:30, he finally realized it was late and put the veggies in the microwave while I went to change out of my work clothes.  Yes, I could have said something but when he's drinking whiskey the switch could flip at any moment so I just kept my mouth shut.  Apparently he had turned the timer off but not the oven so the chicken continued to cook for like another half hour at least.  Luckily, it did not burn the meat, only the sauce on the edges of the pan.  It's not the first time he has left things on when he's drinking...I know better...I should have checked. Dumb ass! At least I knew it would not be long before he was out after dinner.

It was nice that he had made that cup of coffee but I knew I would regret drinking it..even though it was warm and wonderful.  I laid there unable to sleep for a long time and just cuddled with Remi and momma cat and listened to the rain.  I'm not really looking forward to this weekend.  Hopefully we don't fight too much but I have been keeping a lot in and I am not feeling like a nice girl.