Friday Aug 26th 2011
It figures. I totally brought this one on myself. I have been on edge all week..now faced with the weekend actually being here and the state of things with the boyfriends..yeah..should have known.
He actually apologized to me last night for how he treated me...twice. I about fell out of my chair. I think that is the first really apology from a fight in the last eight years...if there is ever any apology or making up it's usually me. Mostly, we just don't speak unless necessary for a day or two until the anger cools down and then pretend it never happened.
But just to keep me totally off balance...he apologized...said he had thought about it and now saw my point of view and then proceeded to get shitfaced and pass out in the chair. nothing new.
I feel like I am going to be sick. I am so alone and I just want to cry. I sat there debating whether to stay here this weekend and have anxiety...or go there with them and have anxiety. I am not sure it really matters. If I go I won't be all by myself but I'll be sitting on my ass all weekend with nothing to do.
At least if I stay home I can do laundry, clean, go see the horses..something like that. Now the thought of that extra half day off seems like just another punishment..too much time on my hands and not enough to keep my mind from thinking.
Then to top it all off he asks me about someone I friended on facebook this week. Not that I haven't friended guys in the past...i guess that since we haven't been speaking all week that adds up to me cheating again. I realize he hangs on my every word he see's online. Oddly enough although this is totally public he has never tried to read it. ....that's right...then we might have to admit there's a problem. Head in the sand much?
He actually apologized to me last night for how he treated me...twice. I about fell out of my chair. I think that is the first really apology from a fight in the last eight years...if there is ever any apology or making up it's usually me. Mostly, we just don't speak unless necessary for a day or two until the anger cools down and then pretend it never happened.
But just to keep me totally off balance...he apologized...said he had thought about it and now saw my point of view and then proceeded to get shitfaced and pass out in the chair. nothing new.
I feel like I am going to be sick. I am so alone and I just want to cry. I sat there debating whether to stay here this weekend and have anxiety...or go there with them and have anxiety. I am not sure it really matters. If I go I won't be all by myself but I'll be sitting on my ass all weekend with nothing to do.
At least if I stay home I can do laundry, clean, go see the horses..something like that. Now the thought of that extra half day off seems like just another punishment..too much time on my hands and not enough to keep my mind from thinking.
Then to top it all off he asks me about someone I friended on facebook this week. Not that I haven't friended guys in the past...i guess that since we haven't been speaking all week that adds up to me cheating again. I realize he hangs on my every word he see's online. Oddly enough although this is totally public he has never tried to read it. ....that's right...then we might have to admit there's a problem. Head in the sand much?
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