Friday
Last night I was pretty angry when I went to bed. My boyfriend went back to court and got the judgement against him reduced but then never followed up with his HR dept or the court to make sure it went through so they took it out of his check again. He just got paid yesterday and announced that he has nothing left. perfect. That means I have three hundred dollars left to make it through the week and buy groceries. I tried to let it go so I could sleep. I had a couple of waves of panic as thoughts of money rolled through my head. I already took money out of savings to pay down the visa he keeps charging up. I woke up at 1am with no covers left, all twisted up like a pretzel. My back hurt so much I could barely move. I guess that is what woke me. The cat was still purring against my back..LOL at least someone was comfortable.
I know I just need to keep my head down and get focused on this semester. I just get tired of the struggle. I get tired of him telling me how he doesn't eat anything all day but can't lose any weight like I have as he opens another beer.
I told him I was probably worrying over nothing but had made a vet appointment for the dog for today. I don't want to spend the money but if it turns out to be something and I didn't take her I would never forgive myself. He says "IT's Fine" with an attitude...which means it really isn't but he's not going to argue with me. I was just letting him know as a courtesy anyway. She's my dog, it's not his decision.
I hope we can get along being together for the next three days. I was thinking maybe I should start a bail money fund, just in case. I'm really going to need that punching bag.
Someone asked me once if he was a mean drunk and if he'd ever hit me. I laughed, and said he's still breathing, isn't he? Anyone who knows me, knows that if anyone is going to jail for Domestic Violence, it's going to be me.
I know I am selfish and I don't give him enough credit for what he does. I could not drive two hours each way, every day, to work. I would snap. I get tired of suffering financially because he can't pull his head out of his ass. I really need to get to that punching bag.
My head is pounding today. I feel nauseated on and off but I am not panicking over it, which is good. I know it's most likely just allergies. Can't wait to go home early and relax. Just feeling bummed out and tired overall today. It's been busy for a Friday. Ugh
Replies
You are in a stressful situation, its no wonder you have anxiety. Its when I cannot figure out why Im anxious that I am bugged. I know from reading your posts that you have good coping skills. I hope you have a way to chill out this weekend and take care of yourself. Good luck.
Yeah, that is what the punching bag is going to be for LOL
I'm just going to call it. :p
Do you look at this guy, and say 'wow, he's amazing, I'm so lucky I have him in my life.'?
Ever?
Or do you think 'what a giant waste of space, can't arrange his finances, can't organise his way out of a paper bag, what a giant douche.' ?
Cos whether he is the former or the latter, a relationship is about how each sees the other, about the mix between them. How you see him is what's important. Do you love him, do you look up to him, do you admire him and feel glad you have him? Or is he just better than nothing? Is he really better than nothing? Have you actually done the maths?
This guy clearly couldn't arrange a pissup in a brewery. His life is a train wreck. What's he doing to fix it? Drinking beer and racking up debt? You can't shackle yourself to a financial leaky bucket. You really can't. By the time you're 50 you need your home with the mortgage mostly paid - is that going to happen to you, or are you just struggling to stay afloat daily, with no chance of preparing for the future?
Have you ever done depreciation? Every day you get older you depreciate. Your finite (100% finite) earning capacity is diminished by 1 day. The amount of money you are capable of earning in one lifetime is slowly turning from budget to actuals daily. What's happening to that money?
What assets have you got? Are you even keeping pace with inflation or are you actually going backwards???
How much of your time do you spend frustrated and obsessing about your relationship, to the detriment of your study? What is the opportunity cost of being with this guy and have you calculated it? While you're with him, stressed, angry, frustrated, how much creative force is being diverted away from the betterment of your life?
How's it going to be for you in 20 yrs? Are you even going to still be with this guy?
Or will he have chucked you for some younger woman? Where will you be left? What will you have that is yours alone?
But yeah, do your assignments, and at the end of this paper, maybe you will have saved enough of your wages (somewhere he cannot see) to get a down payment on some smaller, cheaper, one person apartment close to work.