Friday

It is now 46 days since I had a smoke.  After having the What if's last night and being worried about being sick, I ended up sleeping very well.  I woke warm and cozy between Momma cat and Remi again and could hear the pouring rain.  At first I felt nauseated, but after I got up and had some coffee, and realized how horribly my eyes itched, ...YEP it's allergies.  I should have thought of that last night since all the almond trees are beginning to bloom here but I was too wrapped up in my sick head worrying about sickness. 

I felt very peaceful as I drove to work this morning in the rain but my mind keeps turning everything over..mostly about me and Steve.  We still haven't really been speaking since the episode last sunday.  He asked me the other night what we are doing.  I said.."well you said that we are done so I assume that we are done"  He informed me that women are the whole problem because we hold grudges where men let shit go.  I just ignored him and went to bed. 

Although I want to see my nephews, I really don't want to go on this trip with him because I know he's going to be pulling out all the stops to win me back.

I just keep reminding myself...last time that he got that drunk and told me that we were done, I told him..if you do that to me again ..then we are done.  ...and here we are again.  I don't feel that is really holding a grudge to hold him responsible for his actions.  He is the one that chose to treat me that way again. 

I have this song that keeps going through my head..It's kind of a dumb song called lipstick

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRflFzMiDhk

It says if you are going to love someone, then love someone who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara. 

Steve hated my lipstick so I stopped wearing it years ago.  I want to wear lipstick again. ...and I want someone to want to mess it up.