Fri Night sept 16th 2011
These are the times that I find the most difficult. He fell asleep long ago although it is only just now 10pm. I started sneezing earlier and could not stop...pretty sure it is just an allergy attack but that is what starts my thoughts up. Did I wash my hands after each computer I touched? Was I close to anyone that was sick? Fall is here...the weather this weekend is cooler...beginning of the cold and flu season? Is that true...or just something we believe? Is there more sickness in the winter months and if yes then why? I must remind myself to do some research on this in the morning...hopefully when I am bleary eyed with my first cup of coffee I will remember to re read my previous post.
Some part of me has thought that living in arizona kept the anxiety away. more vitamin d from more sunshine?? or does the heat kill off the diseases? or is it all in my head? I need to investigate this.
This is one of my main anxiety triggers..I am not afraid of dying...I am afraid of being sick and unable to care for myself. It is clear I will never have any children..and my relationship with the alcoholic is rocky at best. I keep thinking about the book water for elephants...how he was in a nursing home and his own children hardly came to see him at the end...having family didn't help him as many disabled and seniors I am sure experience every day.
I am alone...and for now I can care for myself..partly the reason I think the passing of my grandfather does not upset me as much as I think on it is that the man was in his 80's and still living and functioning all on his own..when he went it was simply over...there was no long period of helplessness. If only we actually shared some of the same blood and my mom were not adopted this may have offered me some comfort.
As my relationship changes with my mom who is only 64 and I become more the parent and she the child I fear that is the same road I too will travel.
There is no family for me...no one to care for me when I cannot care for myself..I do not expect the girls to be there...they have two parents they will one day have to care for..and having me as a stepmom if only in spirit and not by law ...well they may not remember that fondly when they are older. My mom was tough on us..she had to be..but I am the one who is hard on them and pushing them to do better. It's not that they don't like me and we don't get along but they are close with their mom and she has a whole different outlook on being a parent than I.
Being in California seems to always leave me on the tail end of the friendship chain..I have some great supporters here on DS but most are in later time zones leaving me alone with my thoughts at the worst time of the evening. I am so grateful for the friends I have made here..I probably would not be functioning much at all without them. Still, I have to find a way to stand on my own no matter what the future brings and what my own mind can dream up. At least I have my animals that love me and curl up with me at night...if someone else prefers to sleep away from me that is his problem. I think I will try to sleep now and the dog is once again mercilessly reminding me I am late with her goodnight treat...spoiled much?
Some part of me has thought that living in arizona kept the anxiety away. more vitamin d from more sunshine?? or does the heat kill off the diseases? or is it all in my head? I need to investigate this.
This is one of my main anxiety triggers..I am not afraid of dying...I am afraid of being sick and unable to care for myself. It is clear I will never have any children..and my relationship with the alcoholic is rocky at best. I keep thinking about the book water for elephants...how he was in a nursing home and his own children hardly came to see him at the end...having family didn't help him as many disabled and seniors I am sure experience every day.
I am alone...and for now I can care for myself..partly the reason I think the passing of my grandfather does not upset me as much as I think on it is that the man was in his 80's and still living and functioning all on his own..when he went it was simply over...there was no long period of helplessness. If only we actually shared some of the same blood and my mom were not adopted this may have offered me some comfort.
As my relationship changes with my mom who is only 64 and I become more the parent and she the child I fear that is the same road I too will travel.
There is no family for me...no one to care for me when I cannot care for myself..I do not expect the girls to be there...they have two parents they will one day have to care for..and having me as a stepmom if only in spirit and not by law ...well they may not remember that fondly when they are older. My mom was tough on us..she had to be..but I am the one who is hard on them and pushing them to do better. It's not that they don't like me and we don't get along but they are close with their mom and she has a whole different outlook on being a parent than I.
Being in California seems to always leave me on the tail end of the friendship chain..I have some great supporters here on DS but most are in later time zones leaving me alone with my thoughts at the worst time of the evening. I am so grateful for the friends I have made here..I probably would not be functioning much at all without them. Still, I have to find a way to stand on my own no matter what the future brings and what my own mind can dream up. At least I have my animals that love me and curl up with me at night...if someone else prefers to sleep away from me that is his problem. I think I will try to sleep now and the dog is once again mercilessly reminding me I am late with her goodnight treat...spoiled much?
Replies
Floating anxiety it appears may be an issue? Floating anxiety will attach itself to anything that is available (and of course there is ALWAYS something available). Distraction can work but only if what is being used to distract is more \'interesting\' than what the anxiety is \'attaching\' itself to. Listening late at night to headphones playing soothing music can be of help as it \'draws us into it\' and away from all the stress in our lives that is turning into this \'floating anxiety\' that will attach to whatever \'floats\' into our minds. Floating anxiety has a really difficult time \'attaching\' itself to soothing music. Also, looking at pleasant pictures that bring us joy can be helpful. For me it is beautiful gardens and pictures of pets taking naps or being playful. The more we \'fill our senses\' up with what is pleasant and gives us \'good feelings\' the less \'opportunity\' the floating anxiety will have to effect us.
Venting and sharing here with my DS friends brings me the most healing and relief of the trauma I have been surviving and it seems to be helpful to most of us. The more we share and vent the less we carry around inside of us.
I hope you are doing better very soon.
Gentle ((hugs))
:-) Patricia