for the record

I don't really feel like writing right now, but I feel the need to get this down ...before I forget how horrible it's been.

So yesterday I got home from work and when he got home I just went to my room and stayed there.  I'm just trying to keep the peace until I can find somewhere to go.  He went outside and had the radio up and I could tell he was drinking. 

I sit there on my phone in the bedroom....  I check DS and then facebook, and i end up chatting with a few people throughout the evening.  Anything to keep my mind busy so that I am not dwelling on everything that is going on.

He thinks I am still talking to my young man..or some other potential boyfriend...and it irritates him.  I finally try and lay down to sleep about 930. The dog and both cats have come in and we are all snuggled up in the bed and I am almost asleep when he starts banging things around in the kitchen.  Then after a few minutes when that gets no response he comes down the hall to the bathroom and slams the door really loud.  It startles the crap out of me and now I am MAD.  So I yell from the bed : Really?  You want a go??

He comes out of the bathroom and stalks into the bedroom in a threatening manner and I say come on just do it ...let's go.  He tells me over and over that I need to get up right now and pack and get out.  He says why are you being such a bitch...I say you started it..

He goes on about how he might have messed up but I am the one that will spread my legs for just anyone and how I have turned everyones life upside down. I tell him to go have another drink and that it wasn't for just anyone and that I loved that young man.  He takes my phone and says well then let's call him to come get you..what's his number?  I remind him that I am not talking to him anymore and that he will not come to save me.  He says well you should have thought of that before.

He tells me that I am the reason he can't see his daughters now because I am making them uncomfortable and they won't come over and again says get up and get out. His daughters didn't come over before because they can't take his drinking, but whatever. 

I tell him that I am trying to get out as quickly as I can and that I should have an answer one way or the other next week.  He tells me that is not good enough and he goes and get the bluetooth speaker and puts it on the dresser and turns it up loud just to irritate me.  I tell him ....go ahead keep pushing me like this..then you better get a really good eviction attorney.  You can't make me leave.

He gets even more enraged..oh you are going to go THERE??  I say yep, for every time you push me like this i will just stay longer...i'm not putting up with this shit

he stalks right up to the bed and has now turned the light on and gets right in my face and I can smell the alcohol on his breath and it makes me queasy.  He says: hit me go ahead.  I laugh and back away...I am not that stupid.  It's the one thing that he could do to get me out of the house.  We both know that out of the two of us if anyone is going to do something like that it would be me. I may not start a fight but when I get backed into a corner I come out fighting..and am usually not very rational. 

Not this time...I just tell him I will get him the attorney name tomorrow

He says again why am I being such a bitch..he finally gives up on me hitting him and takes his speaker and leaves the room. 

Now I am wide awake and shaking ..I go back online to see if anyone is still around to chat..thanks Dan, you were my lifeline last night!!  The animals have all fled in the argument and I am alone in the room.

Once the shakes start to pass, the uncontrollable crying begins again.  Now I am wide awake and cannot breathe because  I am so stuffed up.  Sometime after midnight I think I finally fell asleep. 

Wide awake at 5...trying not to remember or be awake.  I managed to drift a little until 7.  It needs to be recorded I keep thinking.  You need to remember how horrible this night was and never forget. 

I know I need to hurry this along whatever the cost.  I am going to wait through the weekend but if the roommate thing is not panning out by then I will take a full priced unit with the company that my friend has been getting ready for me.  Bridgie, thanks for giving me the idea...I have enough savings to make the difference in the rent for a year if I have to.  I won't have any savings left but you gotta do what you gotta do.  I can't take this anymore.