Finally Grounded

Finally feeling grounded after this past binge.  My house was trashed from the two travelers I had stay here and I had several obligations to attend to before I could clean, so that always makes me feel a little bit crazy. Yesterday I saw a therapist, a friend of a friend.  He was my age, so it felt kind of funny.  If I didn't have this monkey on my back--and actually, even though I do--I think I'm a pretty good therapist myself, with varied experience and a lot of open-minded insight into psychology.  So basically since I was still feeling ungrounded, I sort of just rambled chaotically about the two binges that had befallen me (and the ensuing misadventures) of the previous month, and what I thought it was stemming from....among other things!  The therapist had a really cool vibe and offered brief interpretations....but mostly it was just me going on and on about my philosophies of life, my ridiculous mishaps, my crazy life experiences and passion for psychedelics, and also my goals.  He commented that it seems like I'm living in two different worlds......one where I can see through the money game, believe that everything is a matrix simulation, and simply seek human connection/hedonism/living in the moment because of this deep rooted nihilism.....and then one world where I have set, tangible goals and want to evolve as a human, living healthfully and stably and successfully.  The way he worded it--that I lived in two different worlds--resonated with me immensely.  Bridging those worlds is what I strive to do now.

I borrowed my friend's Tarot card deck the other day, and it was crazy insightful.  When I asked the deck "how can i break free of these patterns?"--it answered with the cards "ripeness", "transformation" and "clinging to the past".  i'm ripe to do this now, and i'm ready for a tranfromation and I can only do that by letting go of all my criteria and idealization about my days as a street kid and also my days as a stripper and also my psychedelic partying days.  Of course those are all influencing me and I'm happy for it, but right now I need community and I need to stop judging everyone in the way that I do.  

In reference to guys, I'm not going to fall for anyone anymore because they are artistic, excessively affectionate toward me, seductive or cute/hot.  I usually fall for the artists, because I value skills--if you can draw, play music, speak languages I feel like that is insight into some deeper potential.  But what I really need is a deep intellectual connection with someone if I am going to engage in a relationship with them.  I am just way too emotional, and casual encounters or friends with benefits doesn't work for me.  Invariably if I like you and we spend time together and have sex, I am most likely going to "catch feelings" in a way that doesn't work to my advantage.  I don't have time to put into men anymore, I have wasted so much time and energy and pain on so many men.  Now I am going to put energy into manifesting my business.  

so, today i'm 

grateful: that i have two cats who regularly visit me and play in my house and are best friends.  it makes me so happy.  also, for my friend Nam who is a herbal juicemaker here, and she is my good Thai friend and feels like my sister.  she is going to help me learn thai since i can no longer afford lessons since i have to save up a motorbike!  we have a connection, she cracks me up.  also thankful i finally feel grounded today because even though the binge ended, now, two and a half days ago, the past two days have gernally been overwhelming with my mind racing and also deep, aching feelings of grief since i had to let go of the idea that i can drink/party/have boyfriends/have fun the way so many people do.   grateful too to have this house that is now clean, and still have my job.  

desire:  i desire not to drink today, and i have made a goal not to drink until february.  whenever i tell myself i can never drink again, it never works.  so my goal is two months.  then i will assess how i feel--hopefully and probably i will not want to drink.  but if i do, i plan to set aside 3 days off work and allow myself one night, plus, if i really want to, one day of drinking.  when i don't have to kill pain and i haven't screwed up obligations, etc. i am able to contain a binge.  i'm not saying this is the "correct" path or even recommended, this an experiment for only myself.  i also desire to start taking action and focusing on myself, my dreams, and my well being.  

brags: as reckless as i am, the therapist commented that i was fascinating and deeply perceptive.  i think thats a compliment.  :)

so right now i am off to plan my day and organize my life.  :D :D :D