Finally an answer
Well today I finally got an answer what killed James Robert. It was aspiration pneumonia. The ME said it looked like he was throwing up and inhaled sharply and his vomit got into his lungs. I was trying to find out how long his suffering was. For all intents and purposes I think he must have suffocated to death. God what a horrible way to die. I have to mail off to get the rest of the info but from what little they told me it just tore me up when I thought I couldn't hurt any more. I just wish it was all a bad dream. I am still not going back to the pool with any frequency. I just want to curl up and fade away. I miss him so very much. I still cant get myself to erase his number from my phone and it kills me every time I see it. Why can't I just hit delete? I find I cry the most when I am in the pool. I don't know why but it used to be my time of enjoyment, to just let my mind wander. Now all I see are kids James Roberts age. Kids who don't think twice of dying. I want to scream, yell and hurt something as bad as I am hurting, but there is no target. I can't blame anyone, I can't make anyone pay, I can't even hate anyone. It was all an accident. A horrible horrible accident that should never have happened. Natural causes, how I hate that word!
I am signing off for now. Maybe later I can get my head screwed on straight and I won't feel like someone took the best part of me and killed it.
I am signing off for now. Maybe later I can get my head screwed on straight and I won't feel like someone took the best part of me and killed it.
Replies
Seven years later, I still have my son\'s number on my phone. I think that we always hope that when a questions is answered that somehow it will be the one that will take at least some of the pain away, but I have found that isn\'t the case. It just plain old hurts to have lost a child and that pain just doesn\'t go away. As time passes the pain does become more tolerable and you find that you aren\'t focused on it all the time. You are still so early in your journey and if you are anything like I was, you just cannot see in any way that you will ever be at that place where there will be joy and beauty in your life again...but it will happen. Continue to journal and let us hold your hand and heart as you travel through these darkest and scariest times. I think at some point on our journey the majority of us make the decision to honor our child(ren) by living our life as they would want to see us do. We love, we understand and we hold your hand...love and hugs...Lynn
I had on our caller ID my son\'s number for a very long time. Only when we had to get a new phone did it \"go away.\"
You are in that very new and raw place and I know trying to wrap your heart and mind around the unthinkable. Try to be as gentle with yourself as you can be as you absorb the information. I had an ME report and just had to put it away along with the death certificates because it was a reality that I \"knew\" yet was just too harsh to be in for long.
Understanding what you are describing and holding you tightly in my heart.
Healing (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
I still have Jackson\'s number on my phone and was happy to discover a couple of months ago that I still have 2 very brief voicemails that he left me. Since that\'s the only bit of his voice we have left, I\'m never going to delete them or get rid of this phone.
I hope that eventually having an answer for the why\'s will help even though it\'s terribly painful now to read the reports. If that why was driving you crazy, better to have it answer even if it\'s so tough. I\'m on the other side of things, we know our son had a series of strokes after a car accident and I don\'t want to see the reports or get more details or answers -- maybe because I already know there are no good answers and realistically the ME reports are not going to help me understand how a 17-year old could be taken from us so quickly. But, if they help you, then read them rather than have all those whys floating in your head. I wish you strength as you do so, since this is one of the worst parts of dealing with the loss of our children is thinking about their last moments and not being able to change anything.
I have a voice mail from my son on my land line, I cannot change carriers or I will loose it. I has been 5 years I still want to remember what his voice sounds like. His phone # is on my roladex at work and at home, it is just part of the information and part of him I want to keep. The ME/s report was long and just to real to read, It is on my computer at work, I do have a copy at home I printed. It was free to get it emailed and cost a pretty penny to have a copy mailed.
Keep your chin up. I am sending tight hugs ~ Penny
I kept calling Alex\'s number over and over to just hear his message...he was on our family plan...and we had to keep it until the end of the year...it helped and hurt. It is what it is...I think we want to hang on to any part of our precious children. Keep it as long as you want...love and gentle hugs...Karen
Its Ok to keep James Robert\'s number on your phone, you don\'t have to delete it ever...After 14 years, I still have my Tamzin\'s number in my mb & I ring it sometimes... hasn\'t ever been answered yet though.
Don\'t ever feel you have to be better or stronger or anything. Losing our beautiful children is the worst thing we can ever suffer. Your strong Love for your precious boy will grow & grow. That IS what is left Truly it is never enough of course but over time you will feel your LOve for James Robert strengthens you and fills you up as much as ever and you can talk about him as much as you can bear to on here cos we all want to get to know him, please remember this XXXXX
I would Love to see some photos of your lovely boy, Written with Genuine LOve Kriss, Tamzin\'s Mum xxxxx