Figuring it Out

Yesterday I went to the police station to follow up on my bike.  Thailand is just so silly.  It's transitioning into a first world country, so it has all the bureaucratic and official structures set up, such as a pretty legit police force, it just is a lot more lackadaisical than the states.  At the police station yesterday they were just so unorganized and basically I just waited for an hour and watched as they all sat around chilling out or playing on their phones.  It’s basically a joke.  Motorbike is totally gone though, I already knew this, but thought I should follow up nevertheless.

I’m realizing the two binges I had last month, and really my whole experience on tinder and with these myriad guys and with drinking and then losing my motorbike--I needed to get that out of my system I suppose.   To realize that’s not what I want.  Also, I rediscovered the word “fuckboy”, sorry if that sounds crude….but it’s a term used to describe all these guys I’d been fucking with...I was reading a bunch of funny memes about it, and had to laugh at myself.  I’m just so emotional that I start to fall for a lot of the guys I fuck, but reading these funny jokes about fuckboys, it actually gave me some peace.  There’s a huge difference between a man and a boy….and I’m not a shallow person.  Depth is a necessity in my relationships, and sometimes I hallucinate out of idealization/desperation and imbue people with a depth that they don’t really have.  Also, yesterday was the 13th anniversary of my dad’s death…...this is what I wrote my mom:

Thinking of dad today and how awesome he was.  He's just such a funny man, I've never really met someone too much that had all these silly catchphrases--Smoke 'em if you got 'em....Women love me, children idolize me, and the dogs they lick my hands.....a buck two eighty.....wish i had a watermelon.....rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy......I mean, man....it would be cool to know dad now.   and so rarely I meet people who could fix every freaking thing.....i mean, what a man!  my whole life i've fallen for boys, and i'm really realizing that.  boys.   and dad was actually a man who took care of shit, was highly intelligent, hard-working and well-rounded and also knew how to have fun!!!  centered and patient and positive thinking on top of it all.  We will all meet him again someday when we die too.

My misadventures are amusing and interesting, but I’m soooo over it.  And I’m also realizing if I continue to act recklessly I’m going to literally get nowhere.  I have a deep sense of clarity right now.  Man, it feels like a pennsylvania autumn day here this morning!  I’m so digging waking up early, with the kitties tumbling around like the silly creatures they are, and just enjoying that pale sunlight and chilly breeze rustling through the leaves.  I am so grateful to be surrounded by nature.  

Also, this sounds silly, but for the 9 months I’ve lived here, I’ve never gone on a walk at night.  In the past, throughout my life, I love to go on a night run or take a long night walk.  I had it in my head that the dogs would harass me, because they pack up and can get really territorial.  I had deduced that when I first moved here and then never re-evaluated that idea until last night.  I’ve been getting pretty restless at night and been having a hard time falling asleep.  Went on an epic long walk last night and it felt amazing.  Probably will start doing this most nights.  No dogs bothered me, not anymoe than in the daytime.  Also been doing my yoga in the mornings, which is a shift for me, usually I would wait aroudn until the feeling struck to do yoga…..setting up a morning routine is pretty awesome….hence why I’m journaling right now :D.  

Never got around to washing my material yesterday, so when i’m done this journal I’m gonna head out and throw my material in the washing machine.  Then come back and do my yoga.  Then work on some article ideas.  I have to believe in myself.  

Def. have no urges to drink today at all.  I just hope I can sustain my motivation, becuase even yesterday I slacked off on my list…...however, I did go out a large portion of the day doing errands and woke up late due to my inability to fall asleep early….today, I woke up early because of my long walk last night and don’t have major errands to run today.  Ok, love and blessings to all :D.