Fight

I feel fat, disgusting, and ugly still, but it is okay. It is okay that I feel this because it doesn't automatically mean it's truth. I don't believe what I just said, but I am going to tell myself that until I do. Because everyone says it's true and I think deep down inside, at the core of my being, I know it's true. If it's true for every other human being, it's true for me too. I'm not some special exception to this worthiness.

This weekend I ate a lot, and by a lot I mean I ate all three meals each day and had a lot of chocolate/sweets, which adds to feeling disgusting. No matter what I eat, the mean thoughts pour in. Even when I'm with a group of people, the thoughts aren't quieted.

"You are so fat."

"People are disgusted by you."

"You deserve to die for eating."

As I type these out, I realize how extreme they are, and how untrue. I would literally die if my body didn't get nutrients through food. Yet even though I know the logic of it, the thoughts are so mean and so intense.

I will fight this. I will fight this. I will fight this.

I am not alone.

Even if it takes me months, I will fight this.

God, give me strength.