feer-anger-nothing
I have a new habit of watching "The office" in an effort to feel calm before going to bed. I can usually fall asleep but get up shortly after in fear. The anxiety always creeps in at night. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of - I try to focus on the feeling - which brings me back to the house I lived when I was in grade school. Playing with my dolls in an inappropriate way. Not knowing why. I'm petrified of my father. Still - i'm his "pet". his "princess". I get special treatment. Mom hates me for it. My dad and I team up against her - very much in narcisstic form (he used his 2nd wife to team up against me!) I finally fall asleep again still in fear and get up feeling incredibly tired and dull. heavy. I get on my laptop and start working. I get angry when things don't go as I plan - VERY angry. I slam my laptop shut and go for a walk. I come back and eat - alot of food. I feel better but still blah. I remember last night while focusing on the feeling of anxiety I felt it in my chest - like what i could feel/ or how I could breathe - was within a narrow band. like I'm living in a dark closet without the ability to stand, stretch or fully breathe. I also almost always have this feeling of anxiety and I sometimes imagine that it must be a serious disease - maybe it's not fear - maybe it's cancer. maybe it is like a dark chemical that is melting my throat and stomach like acid - and eventually it will end me. will this ever end? Why can't I just take tony Robbins advice and THINK POSITIVE! Strengthen the muscel that says "YES I CAN". why can't I just get it together! why can't I just get over it! why am I so pathetic! why is healing so hard :(
Replies
I am sorry that you are feeling so confused, Nikkole. I can't remember if you are in counseling or not. If you are, I would get in touch with my therapist. If you aren't, you need to get one to help you walk through all of this confusing stuff. I hope that you feel better, soon. ((((HUGS))))
I had all the sme symptoms as you describe here. And I would very often always wake up anxious or in a panic within an hour of falling asleep. For me, it took time for that to heal. I am now at a point where this does not hapen often and I really believe this will happen for you too. You are healing and it is never an easy process.
It is also difficult to stay positive during the healing process. One thing I did was constantly say to myself "Feeling means I am healing. Even a single tear moves me forward". I would also say to my therapist "promise me that this ends" and she always said "I promise". Nikkole, I promise you that if you keep working hard on your healing that it DOES end. Hang in there. (((hugs)))
What Tony Robbins teaches is surely not meant for people who have dissociated parts/memories. You are doing everything you can to heal and I'm sure you will get there. Please remember to be kind to yourself. That fear is coming from a young and very frightened part of you. She needs to be heard and healed, not pushed out into the world with cheerleader chants of "yes I can". Yes, you can, but you need to heal first, and you are working on that. I know how hard it is to be patient with yourself when you are trying to live up to some external idea of where you should be ... but we are living a different kind of life and need to respect the hard (though invisible) work we are doing. ((hugs))
Thanks everyone for your lovely comments. squeaker43, I am seeing two therapists. One is an EMDR therapist and LuckyEmpath, your right -feeling is something new since seeing a therapist and it is motion in the right direction and your message of hope is received. Donnawanda, I will try to be more kind, patient, and empathetic to myself - and the very frightened young girl inside. I like the term you have provided - "tough invisible". Thanks again everyone.