feeling strange

In EMDR sessions, I start to feel a tingly feeling in my hands.  Strangely -the weird sensations I typically only feel at EMDR sessions -have been affecting me all day for several days- it's like this constant zigzagging tingly stream of anxiety  zipping around my body.  I'm not sure if this is possibly a sign that I'm getting closer to my truth?


  I joined a writing class.  My assignment is to write about a significant person in my life between the age of 5 and 17.  Write it from the point of view of the little kid at the time of knowing this significant other.  Then, rewrite it looking back on the events as an adult.  I'm going to write about my high school best friend Bella (not her real name).  I would spend the night at her house and we would talk about how our parents phsycially abused us like we were talking about how someone spilled a glass of lemonaide.  yeh so Bella's mom would make her neal on the bathroom tiles for hours, or flung a curling iron across her head.  I will specifically write about how we both were bridesmades at a wedding.  I remember being extremely annoyed with Bella.  She was bulimic. At the rehersal dinner she was eating plate after plate of food - and then going to the bathroom and puking it up. People noticed and she was embarassing me.  bella died at the age of 35.  I still don't know why.  Her sister died at the same age 7 years prior.  As an adult, looking back - of course I see things so differently. Sometimes looking at the past is liking looking at another lifetime. 

Replies

donnawanda
donnawanda

I know exactly what you mean about that tingly feeling, and it sounds like you know exactly what it is: fear. I've had that sensation for many years whenever I talked about anything that was getting too close to the truth about my life, or getting too close to making it seem real to me. I assume you're getting nearer to the truth, because that's your intention, but that doesn't mean it's going to come bubbling up any day now. It could be months or even years down the road. The only thing that's sure is that you're getting nearer to it, and it scares you. I'm sure you already know this, but I just want to say, be sure you have all the supports in place because when the truth does surface there's probably going to be a part of you that wants to die and will make a very compelling case for it. I'm going through a bit of that phase now and know I just have to hold on through it so I can come out the other side.

It sounds like what you're writing for the assignment is going to be very powerful. Youth judge each other harshly because they can't imagine the pain that other young people go through. Sometimes those judgments protect them from recognizing their own pain.
nikkole
nikkole

Hi Donnawanda, i'm sorry to hear about your thoughts on wanting to end your life. Its very sad for me to read that :( When you do have those thoughts that bubble up - what do you do? how do you use your supports? how long does the feeling last? I do sometimes have these intense feelings as though I MUST have been the abuser and when people find out how bad I am, they will take everything I love away from me -and I wont want to live. but the feelings are short lied (1-4 hours). I find that both meditating and writing help. there is also some piece of me - some voice - albeit soft during this dark hours - that knows that this is a feeling that will go away. There are some days I don't know that I will make it thru the work day. I hope it doesn't get too much worse...I'm not quite sure if I could handle it.
donnawanda
donnawanda

I also know that it is a feeling that will pass, I remind myself of how much freer and happier I will be when I'm whole, I remind myself that dying now is just NOT AN OPTION, and I put my focus on the moment I'm in and getting through that moment. It must be hard to be at work while having those feelings, but on the other hand, your work can pull you out of what you're feeling and into the demands of the present moment, in the same way that family obligations do for me. I also have spiritual books that I read that can change my perspective and state of mind. Coming here and getting understanding and support and belief is a HUGE support for me.
donnawanda
donnawanda

It's kind of startling to read that you have a fear that YOU are the abuser. At least knowing the truth will relieve you of that fear. I also have a deep fear of being an abuser. I've seen people here say that the abuser transfers all their shame on to us because they are shameless, and there is a mechanism by which we identify with the abuser (maybe because it's less devastating than being the victim). This is something worth exploring.
nikkole
nikkole

Thanks Dannawanda - you articulate things so well. The fear that i have of being an abuser trumps everything else. I think its the way my adult brain find a "reason" for all the shame and guilt that I feel. The adult knows that there is no shame in being a victim - so the feeling must come from me being the abuser. I find a scenario to fit the feeling. It's true that you identify with the abuser in order to feel in control - and I believe my abuser was complete in transferring the shame onto me. Thanks for all your thoughts on this. This is definitely something i will need to explore further.
RichieD
RichieD

Child abuse really makes a demolition derby of our psyches, doesn't it? I have similar feelings of guilt and shame, most of it just in the form of raw emotion....feeling like I don't deserve pleasure or peace of mind...like I have to make amends for something without knowing what it is. When I try to chase it down, it fades away like mist in sunlight, only to return when I'm vulnerable.

I've noticed that when there is stress in my life, the negative emotions well up like psychic indigestion. But the more I learn to recognize them, the less power they seem to have over me. Or maybe the stress levels aren't high enough to really get the shame and anxiety mechanism working at full throttle.

Does it help to entertain dark thoughts about your abusers? I'm thinking this helps me sometimes. I write about the abuse in my paper journal that's just for me and it seems to help my self-esteem and shift the shame back to where it belongs. Somehow realizing what flawed and selfish people my abusers were helps me keep the shame at bay.
nikkole
nikkole

Richard, thanks for your thoughts. Yes, it does help to entertain dark thoughts about one of my abusers. There are times when I'm angry - very angry, and that is when it helps. When I start to get the raw emotions you speak of -my brain needs to find something that fits the feeling. My therapist will say that my 'thinking brain" often gets in the way. So if I feel shame/guilt -my brain will find a reason for the intense feeling -even if I have no memory of being an abuser. I can relate to this line, "when I try to chase it down, it fades away like mist." If I mediate during these emotional spikes, or "chase the feeling" it eventually fades. A demolition derby of our psyches -yes indeedy!
nikkole
nikkole

My spell check keeps correcting Richied so that it turns in to Richard..sorry about that.