Feeling so alone; someone please read
Today was a horrible day. I managed through it but it was hard. Frank was off work today and we'd planned to spend the day together. We were going to the Dalton Flea Market and to the Elijay Apple Festival. We got to Dalton and walked around the big flea market and I felt the panic attack coming; yes, after all this therapy and time I'm still having them. I kept feeling like I was going to run. Scary thoughts went through my head. I just tried to focus on looking at the items for sale and got through it. Then on our way to Elijay we got lost. We ended up in Tennessee. Meanwhile panicked thoughts filled my head. We stopped at an antique store and headed back to Cartersville. On the way home I decided to take half a Xanax. There's no way to be discreet getting it out of my purse, pulling it in half and taking it. Frank looked at me and kind of sighed. I asked him what was wrong and he said "You can't go anywhere without being drugged up." I told him that's not true. I showed him my bottle. I had it filled a month ago and I still have about 50 plus pills out of 60! I only take them when I absolutely need them! I decided to let it go and tried to hold his hand and he pulled it away from me. I started crying. He said that he must make me so miserable that that's why I have panic attacks. I told him that noone caused it, it's just something that I have. I told him I'd rather have cancer than what I have. We finally got home to Cartersville, stopped and had dinner, went to the grocery store, pharmacy and then home. Then we get home and after watching Green Lantern(which is really good, BTW) he starts watching his Ancient Aliens and Through the Wormhole. He starts telling me that we are star dust and that God is a star, aliens visited us years ago and gave us our technology. He believes those things. I mean no disprespect to anyone who believes those things, but it makes me realize that we are not on the same page sprituallly, which is very important. So, I feel like I'm completely alone with someone who doesn't understand me at all. I just had to vent.
Replies
That was very insensitive of your partner to say. I\'m sorry that it hurt you so much. He either doesn\'t understand your anxiety as a disease or he\'s feeling insecure within himself. Oh boy, those are far out beliefs. Does he really believe all that jargon or is he trying to get to you because he knows your spiritual beliefs are important to you? Hang in there. You are important and special.
I have to agree with starbloom...very insensitive of him. I could be wrong but the last I heard most panic attacks aren\'t the result of someone making someone else miserable. Plus it does seem pretty clear to me that you\'re only taking the Xanax when you absolutely have to.
Curiosity question...has something happened previously in your life that could have triggered the panic attack at the flea market (feel free to ignore that)?
Here\'s hoping today is a better day for you. (((((((((( Kacey ))))))))))
Thank you both for your comments. I needed some support! Hugs!
Aw...so sorry to hear you have had a bad day.
Sending You comforting (((Hugs)))
Sometimes panic attacks just come out of no where for no reasons what so ever! I know I have them too and Kacey knows this! It took me a while to get my hubby to understand that it was NOTHING he did or said that brought one on, it is a disease and finally he does understand to a point as he used to have them too!
Once in a while he will say something like Frank did and it just sends me through the roof! If you love me you love me with or without my xanax. Hell you still have over half the RX left...GOOD GIRL! I am proud of you considering how many you and I both used to take! I am only on 2 klonopin twice a day and a xanax very , very seldom. I think I have only take 1 xanax in 3 months. But I am still on an anti anxiety, so I guess it doesn\'t count to say I am doing better. Moral of the story is, we are both so much b etter than we were all those years ago, but panic attacks do happen for NO reason!
Love you Kacey...I, for one am very, very proud of you!