Feeling Good When Things Aren't
So, I'm discovering more every day that I can indeed control the beast inside. I don't have a dark passenger like Dexter, but I know there is something dark and ugly lingering near. Who wouldn't with all the experiences in life that take us to those dark places?
I wish sometimes that I could rip my soul out and put it on canvas so maybe if people could see it, they would understand the suffering others have endured. I know people suffer, everyone does, but some more than others.
One day at a time is all I can live for right now. One day at a time is all we have anyway because tomorrow really isn't promised to anyone.
Now that I don't want to take vengeance into my own hands for the harm done by certain people, I am sitting back watching them destroy their own lives.
One great example of this is what occurred a couple of weeks ago when I was requested to go to court for jury duty...
It was my first time, and I was so excited because I enjoy justice being served, especially to killers and rapists, etc. Anyway, I went in and was picked as juror number five for jury selection. There were some court proceedings, we were all sworn in and then we took a ten minute break. I had gone outside to check on my car, just to make sure the headlights were turned off.
When I had reentered to building, as I walked through the halls, I smelled a scent that was familiar to me. It took about a few seconds for me to realize that it was the same cologne the man that had molested and raped me as a teenager had worn! That's when panic set in a little, and I thought, 'There's no way he's here!...There's just no way...'
I had to put those thoughts aside and enter the courtroom back to my seat. I sat down, my heart racing just a tad and I waited. Finally, the prosecutors came in for the case we were being interviewed for. And then the defense entered...it was him! The one who had terrorized me and made me feel weak and fearful and distrusting of people. The one who had put enough hopelessness in me to want and attempt to take my own life...
I was picked for jury selection for this monster's case. He was charged with raping his 11 year old stepdaughter from the time that poor little girl was only 7 years old. What kind of a man does that?! Only a monster can.
Could you imagine how I must have felt sitting in that court room? As soon as he entered the room, his evil eyes found me very quickly. I could only sit there as juror #5 and tremble in my chair. I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest! Then my tears rolled down my checks and I tried to control myself. The only people in the room with me that had noticed my reaction were the bailiff and juror #6. I just wanted to crawl under something and hide. I was so afraid, even in a room filled with other people, law enforcement even. And sitting in the middle of it all, I still felt so alone and scared. In just moments, I had reverted back to that 13 year old frightened little girl with just one look from him...
After about ten minutes or so of the judge making statements and questioning us, I was finally able to sidebar with his honor and the attorneys. I explained to them that I was once this man's victim, leaving out the part that he was in fact my nephew's father (just because my fear made me lose composure and impaired my thoughts), and I was immediately dismissed (of course after seeing their faces drop) and escorted out in a way that I didn't have to look at him.
I was in shock and I just sobbed in the hallway until I was able enough to compose myself and practically run out of the court room. I got in my car, shaking, and I left.
Why did I have to go through that? To see him again or even be in his presence was enough to feel like the safe haven I had made for myself all these years, 17 to be exact, was completely destroyed.
But now I understand, after so much time, it finally caught up to him. He will be found guilty and he will serve a very, very long sentence. Maybe I was chosen to be there because it was perhaps a reminder to him that the past doesn't just going away. You can't cause harm and expect the universe to just forget about it. He got a slap on the wrist for the pain he put me through back then. But Karma came back to get him, and She wasn't going to easily let him forget about me. Most of all, that little girl deserves justice. But how many others did he harm?...
I just feel so bad for her because she was much younger than me when it happened to her. My heart breaks for her. Even though he is away, it's going to take a long time for her to trust anyone. I pray she has a good family and gets the support and love she really needs to heal.
I did have nightmares that night that he came after me to try to kill me. It took a couple of days to feel "normal" again. It was really hard to shake off. But I can cope with the pain and I don't have to be fearful because I have surrounded myself with good people, caring people, who love me sincerely. I am very grateful that I am who I am. I'm a work in progress, but I'm worth it. So, if I can make it, others can too!
I wish sometimes that I could rip my soul out and put it on canvas so maybe if people could see it, they would understand the suffering others have endured. I know people suffer, everyone does, but some more than others.
One day at a time is all I can live for right now. One day at a time is all we have anyway because tomorrow really isn't promised to anyone.
Now that I don't want to take vengeance into my own hands for the harm done by certain people, I am sitting back watching them destroy their own lives.
One great example of this is what occurred a couple of weeks ago when I was requested to go to court for jury duty...
It was my first time, and I was so excited because I enjoy justice being served, especially to killers and rapists, etc. Anyway, I went in and was picked as juror number five for jury selection. There were some court proceedings, we were all sworn in and then we took a ten minute break. I had gone outside to check on my car, just to make sure the headlights were turned off.
When I had reentered to building, as I walked through the halls, I smelled a scent that was familiar to me. It took about a few seconds for me to realize that it was the same cologne the man that had molested and raped me as a teenager had worn! That's when panic set in a little, and I thought, 'There's no way he's here!...There's just no way...'
I had to put those thoughts aside and enter the courtroom back to my seat. I sat down, my heart racing just a tad and I waited. Finally, the prosecutors came in for the case we were being interviewed for. And then the defense entered...it was him! The one who had terrorized me and made me feel weak and fearful and distrusting of people. The one who had put enough hopelessness in me to want and attempt to take my own life...
I was picked for jury selection for this monster's case. He was charged with raping his 11 year old stepdaughter from the time that poor little girl was only 7 years old. What kind of a man does that?! Only a monster can.
Could you imagine how I must have felt sitting in that court room? As soon as he entered the room, his evil eyes found me very quickly. I could only sit there as juror #5 and tremble in my chair. I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest! Then my tears rolled down my checks and I tried to control myself. The only people in the room with me that had noticed my reaction were the bailiff and juror #6. I just wanted to crawl under something and hide. I was so afraid, even in a room filled with other people, law enforcement even. And sitting in the middle of it all, I still felt so alone and scared. In just moments, I had reverted back to that 13 year old frightened little girl with just one look from him...
After about ten minutes or so of the judge making statements and questioning us, I was finally able to sidebar with his honor and the attorneys. I explained to them that I was once this man's victim, leaving out the part that he was in fact my nephew's father (just because my fear made me lose composure and impaired my thoughts), and I was immediately dismissed (of course after seeing their faces drop) and escorted out in a way that I didn't have to look at him.
I was in shock and I just sobbed in the hallway until I was able enough to compose myself and practically run out of the court room. I got in my car, shaking, and I left.
Why did I have to go through that? To see him again or even be in his presence was enough to feel like the safe haven I had made for myself all these years, 17 to be exact, was completely destroyed.
But now I understand, after so much time, it finally caught up to him. He will be found guilty and he will serve a very, very long sentence. Maybe I was chosen to be there because it was perhaps a reminder to him that the past doesn't just going away. You can't cause harm and expect the universe to just forget about it. He got a slap on the wrist for the pain he put me through back then. But Karma came back to get him, and She wasn't going to easily let him forget about me. Most of all, that little girl deserves justice. But how many others did he harm?...
I just feel so bad for her because she was much younger than me when it happened to her. My heart breaks for her. Even though he is away, it's going to take a long time for her to trust anyone. I pray she has a good family and gets the support and love she really needs to heal.
I did have nightmares that night that he came after me to try to kill me. It took a couple of days to feel "normal" again. It was really hard to shake off. But I can cope with the pain and I don't have to be fearful because I have surrounded myself with good people, caring people, who love me sincerely. I am very grateful that I am who I am. I'm a work in progress, but I'm worth it. So, if I can make it, others can too!
Replies
What are the odds of that? Wow and as triggering as it was for you I can\'t help to see it as a gift and blessing. I means the man who hurt you so was going to have to pay for what he did to you and God only knows how many others in addition to you and that innocent 7 yr old. Finally justice! Plus, it stressed you enough that it has you seeking therapy, coming here...now you can begin to heal. Survivors can\'t just forget ever..until that pain, rage and whatever other feeling that young girl continues to carry...healing is at its core about healing the child...that\'s where a lot of in not most of your anger comes from and once the anger\'s focus is tied directly toward him ...when you\'ve raged enough you will be able to heal the hurt, deep deep hurt that is right below the anger. Once the hurt is healed, you\'re anger issues will lessen dramatically. Good luck on your journey of healing
Thank you. It was a very difficult day for me, but the more I face it, the stronger I feel and grow. It was such a crazy experience. One day, I think I am going to just sit down and start writing a novel about my life. Lol. There is too much to tell and I think some people need to hear it to help them with their pain and suffering.