Feeling down and empty

I can't stop thinking about it. I panic when I think about him. Harley. I think about how horrible and manipulative he was. I'm beginning to think he drugged me. We smoked weed together but I honestly think there was more than just weed in it. I honestly think he drugged me. He was such an evil person. I think about how I stuck around even though he talked about wanting to hit me. I don't understand. I let him convince me I deserved it. I let him convince me that if he did, it would be my fault, and that he was the good guy for restraining. How did I let him warp my mind?! I know better than that, I've always known better than that. I was so broken when he got his hands on me and he knew it. He knew I was too broken to fight. I told him my vulnerabilities and he exploited them. He took advantage of me. I was too broken to fight and he could see it. I hate how broken I was and how broken I still am. He broke me so much worse. 

Sometimes I think about my past assailants. The men who assaulted me. The man who broke me as a child. Therapy helped with the PTSD, but I'll always remember what he did and how my body reacted. For so long I couldn't be touched because of him. They say victims of abuse are more likely to be victimized again - that rang true or me. I was 12, he was 22. Then I was 15, he was 19 or so. Then I was in my early twenties and he was in his late 30s, early 40s... And then I was 26...and he was 52. I want to vomit. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to drive and never turn around. Some days, I want to die. Not to kill myself, just, die. Just not exist. I hurt, I feel empty. I have a panic in me, all the time. I hate it all. 

Yet again we're not pregnant. I honestly feel like a failure now. Part of this gloom is from that, I know. And covid. This pandemic has taken it's toll on me. There's one person I want to talk to, freely talk with and I can't. We never get to talk. I question what he wants of this friendship, I know I want more of a bond, a connection. I felt it before, we became so close, shared intimate feelings and details about our lives, and then pandemic. The world shut down. That was it. A few awkward phone calls, sporadic texts checking in. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.