Feeling Blue

It's been a tough ride still.  I miss Gene so much and have dreamed about him for the last two nights.  I hate waking up to the fact that he's not there.  The dreams are so real and so comforting, then reality strikes again.  I've been battling a horrible depression for the last couple of months and all the drugs and counseling in the world don't seem to be helping.  Will I ever accept that he's gone?  Will I ever have a life again?  I just don't feel that way today.  I felt so bad for my son yesterday knowing it was Father's Day and thinking of how he must have felt.  I think I called hime four times just to check on him.  I talked to him this morning and he said it was kind of rough, but he was busy at work and that helped him alot. 
Not much happening at work this week.  Put in a lot of hours last week but things are pretty quiet this morning.  I'll be taking some time off this week.  I'm going to take a trip to New Jersey this weekend to visit with friends from high school.  That is if I don't have a panic attack and then decide I can't do it.  That's been happening to me alot lately.  The kids wanted me to go to Hershey Park with them on Saturday and I'm kicking myself for not going.  Instead I stayed home because I was feeling so anxious the night before.  But on Saturday all I could think of was how much I wish I had gone with them instead of staying home and feeling sorry for myself.  Times are just hard.