Feeling blue

Well, I made it through another week.  Yesterday marked 3 months since Gene's death.  I broke down at work yesterday and had to run out to my car.  I called my sister on the phone and she talked me through it.  It took half an hour for it to pass, but pass it did.  I've been really sad in the mornings--to the point of crying every morning.  I'm having to take a Xanax just to get to work, but right now I'll do whatever it takes to get by.   I tried to mow the yard yesterday.  What a disaster.  It's been raining here for weeks with no end in sight until Monday and my side yard is low and wet--really wet.  When I tried to mow it the riding mower got stuck in the mud and I couldn't get it out.  I called my neighbor's son and he came over and helped me get it unstuck, but as soon as he left, I got it stuck again.  I didn't want to call him back and one way or another I was going to get it out of the mud.  So I tried using some old shingles under the tires.  That didn't work.  I put a piece of wood under the front tires and that didn't work.  Now I was angry that Gene wasn't here to help and thinking I'd just take the key out of it and leave it there till my son could help me move it.  Heck no, I was going to do it myself no matter what it took.  So I started it up, got off of it, pressed the peddle with one foot and pushed the mower with the other and Presto! I got it out.  You'd have thought I conquered the world I was so proud of myself!  Anyway, nixed the mowing for the day. It's times like this that I really miss Gene.  I miss his support when things go wrong.  Truth be told, I'm strong and stubborn, just like Gene was which is probably why we got along so well.  Now it's overcast again here this morning and more rain is expected. I'll have to push mow the rest of the lawn.  I'm feeling pretty sad this morning.  I had two wonderful dreams last night and didn't want to wake up to the reality that is my life right now.  Crying, sorrow, sadness, grief--it's what defines me right now.  I know better days are ahead, I just can't see them right now.