Fed up

Not sure what I'm fighting against anymore. I'm in constant pain all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. At the same time I want to keep pushing on, I don't want to give in to the pain. I've just had 5 days off work, lost 3 days pay and I feel really bad that I've let my boss down and that its not fair my partner should suffer the consequences when we struggle to pay bills next month (there's an added stress on the horizon!) tablets that should have helped just made things worse so now I've hit rock bottom and can't see a way out. I've punished myself with the blade but its not enough, I want more but at the same time I'm trying to resist. I should be fighting the pain and fighting the doctor to do something but instead I'm fighting with myself. Can't snap myself out of this cycle, back to work tomorrow and I'm dreading it, I don't expect people to understand when even I don't understand but if you don't get it it just looks like I've pulled a sicky being a hyperchondriact or lier. TBH I wouldn't be surprised if I'm heading for disciplinary but I'd rather just be sacked then I can go on agency books take less hours and manage my energy levels