Fear is a powerful emotion

Not sure what to write, just felt the need to get something out. Sometimes I feel the urge to write even when I have no clue what I want to write about, I just need to start and let the emotions unpack. As I'm writing this, I'm on the verge of tears, yet uncertain as to why. I think I'm just burning out emotionally, my work has me constantly thinking about sexual exploitation of children. Every time I actually stop and think about the information I get trapped in a downward cycle of recognizing all the ways I was exploited. I warn youth not to post things online, not to send photos, not to exchange these things for love and acceptance, all the while knowing that I once did the same thing. It's hard some days, my coworkers act like we're immune to this, like there's no way it could have ever happened to any of us because we didn't grow up with the internet - but I did. They're younger, so I guess their parents just didn't get it as early as mine. I grew up with it, I had no friends, and I landed myself on the internet craving the attention of strangers to feel loved, to give me purpose to live. It's hard to know that the presentations I'm giving are what I needed to hear so many years ago. I wish someone had said this to me - I would have talked to them, gotten support - or would I have? I truly felt the people I was talking to loved me, I'm not sure I would have stopped. Maybe I would have stopped sending pictures to see what happened? Maybe I would have been sextorted? I have no idea, I'll never know for sure. There are so many pixelated pictures of me out there, blessed I am that digital media was wretched back in the day. The quality was atrocious and any copies are likely long gone, traded for the newer, clearer versions. It's hard not to fall into that trap when you're young. 

I sometimes think of Harley still. I watch documentaries/docu-series and read books about pimps and exploiters and I all can ever think is "that man acted like all of these people..." He was so manipulative and degrading. Hot and cold. Gaslighting constantly. I have a momentary panic when I see a vehicle that looks like his. This pandemic saved me from him. It saved me from getting abused by him. I thought he was a friend and I constantly turned a blind eye to his abusive, manipulative comments. His threats were disguised, statements like "any other guy would back hand you across the face for that" and "you're lucky I don't hit you" ... I honestly don't know where my mind was, where my spine was... I don't know how I sat there and listened to him threaten me and APOLOGIZE to him for something I didn't do! My experience with him as a friend opened my eyes to a whole world of abusive and controlling relationships that I had no real concept of. I had always heard it's difficult to get out - I certainly felt it with him. I'm afraid to go back to the places we once spent time for fear he'll be there. I fear I'll always live in fear of seeing him again. I'm afraid he's out there, waiting for me.