Fear Challenges

So between therapy and my job in D.V. and S.V. I have been watching a lot of Ted Talks on youtube.  Last night I watched several on FEAR.  Which by the way I have a butt load of.  Everthing from strangers to failures.  I started watching them and was like WOW, this is some really good shit, and then at one point I was like, WOW this dude is whacked.  In the end though I decided that all of them were really good.  The last one I watched ended with some Challenges, which are as follows.

1.  What am I ashamed of?

2.  What do I want to do in life?

3.  Reframe my fear and turn it inside out and help others.

What am I ashamed of?  I had to think for a little bit, to be honest all these years I have focused on NOT being ashamed of my abuse and trauma's.  It turns out I am ashamed of the effect of the abuse and traumas.  I am ashamed of my illnesses, and everything that comes with them.  I am ashamed I can't pump gas, it makes me feel vulrable, I am ashamed that sometimes I still sleep on the floor, I am ashamed that sometimes my PTSD gets the best of me.  I am ashamed that to be able to handle my Conversion/Functional Neurological Disorder that I can't work full time.  It all comes back to mental illnesses.  Which is really weird becuase I have years of therapy and docs and in patient treatment that I am littlerly HOW THE FUCK DID I MISS THIS!!!  I mean if I could count all those hours, I would have several PHD's by now for christ sake.  I have spent over half my life learning to deal with myself and how to cope.  Anyway, there we go, that is my shame, which makes me feel really bad because I don't judge others for these issues, just myself.  

2.  What do I want to do?  Well I have always wanted to do a lot of things, I learned a new word last night to THROMBS, which is basically just a bucket list.  The problem is I decided a long time ago there are things I never may be able to do again, and I tend to go with what I can handle.  So I always wanted to write and paint.  The only issues there are that I have the artistic abilitly of  stick, I kid you not.  Its pretty bad.  I do paint, and I am gettting better and I think I could sell some of it, not for a lot but a little is better then nothing.  However since I had that talk with my therapist, I haven't painted shit till tonight.  Why, because I am scared I may fail, again, like everything ealse in life.  Okay, so I definatly have issues with being an asshole to myself.  Will work on that.  I have always wanted to write, not real abilility there either at least not in the fiction area.  I do have some poetry published.  I am a ton of information about all sorts of things relating to me, my life, how I cope ect.  Eventually I want to share part of my story with RAINN, for that one though I am actually just waiting for the last kid to graduate high school in case the local paper picks up on it.  I have already had an article on part of my life and my volenteering for the place I work for now.  We purposly left out a lot because I still have a child in high school, and while my child is not ashamed of me, it might have led to some bullying and he has had enough of that.  Anyway, okay so as I already work in the field I want to, even though I don't think I will ever be able to go full time and do days,  I got one of those down.  The two are some kind of signicant writing and painting.  Oh, I also love to take nature pictures.  And I do have a pretty extensive bucket list too.

3.  Reframe shame and fears, and help others.

Well I already help others some with my job, but I would like to write to help others too.  I can't count the times I have started a blog and then not made it passed maybe one post if that.  I get scared, not of sharing but at failing.  Failing always scares me and I don't really know why, I guess because I feel like I fail at pretty much everything  Even with the job I have now, the idea was to get my foot in the door and go full time, then I realized that I will NOT be able to handle it emotionally to go to days.  Its so much more then what I do at night.  At night its more one on one when someone has issues and answering phones, during the day its chaotic as hell with communal living.  At least I know my bounderies I guess.  So okay reframe that, I do have a job and I am able to work, knowledge is power and I am learning more and more every day, I am also helping women at one of the hardest times in there lives.  As for writing and painting,

Well I guess the things I learned watching the TED TALKS,  the big bad four words, WHAT IF I FAIL?  The answer to that is SO WHAT?  Its not going to kill me or hurt or maim me in any way other then maybe my pride.  Big deal.  I also like the saying "To overcome personal fears you have to overcome shame!  Just do it!  Take the Risk!"  Fear is a choice! The impossible is not impossible and my favorite "FUCK FEAR!"

So I guess I am going to go finish that painting, it should be dry by now and ready for the next part.  We will see if I overcome any of this.  But I suppose this is a start.