Fear, anxiety, anger ... emotionless.

I was at my friend's grandma's the other day when she offered me a chocolate, I got a glimpse of the packaging and saw they were alcohol filled so I politely denied the offering with no specific reasoning other than being full from before, she offered to get me a chocolate without filling in it and although once again I said no, she got up and brought out a different package saying they had nuts. I didn't see the package but based on her comment before offering a non-filled chocolate I assumed they were safe... I popped it into my mouth, bit down, and all of a sudden my mouth was on fire, I was in a haze, I was nauseous... It was filled with vodka. I quickly dismissed myself with the chocolate and vodka still in my mouth, to her it appeared as though I had bit into it while holding a piece and had vodka spilling down my face as my hand was covering my mouth. I spat it out and rinsed my mouth out, but I was in full adrenaline panic mode. I felt as though I was going to vomit, I had to try very hard to keep myself from throwing up, and the overwhelming dizziness that accompanied it was unbearable. When I returned to the table I was offered another chocolate from the same box, I once again graciously denied and when the offering didn't stop my friend interjected stating that I'm allergic to alcohol and it will make me very sick, this is a much preferred reason rather than having to explain that I don't drink because I'm a bipolar alcoholic. Simply recalling the events makes my stomach churn, my throat tighten, my head spin.... I was so close to accidentally swallowing the alcohol... I've trained myself to consume things slowly to prevent accidental alcohol consumption. I never trust when someone gives me a drink that it's non-alcoholic, I always take a sip, hold it in my mouth for a moment, then swallow, just to ensure that it doesn't have alcohol in it. 
 
Before this incident, I was really happy in life, there was a guy I really liked but now I'm just finding myself to be an emotionless zombie again. I acknowledge that my depression has sunk in again and it's strictly biological because I have no psychological reason to be depressed. The guy I liked, I used to get butterflies at the thought of him, I smiled if someone said his name (even myself), I had to struggle to keep myself under control... but now... now I'm indifferent. I suppose it's for the best because he just told me tonight that he likes someone...someone else.... he told me he liked me, we went on a date, kissed.... all of a sudden there's someone else.. I don't know? I don't really care? My emotional brain doesn't care, but my intellectual brain does, oddly enough. It bothers me that this happened, but not in an upset hurt feelings type of way, just more so the knowledge of the situation. 
 
I've been sleeping with a friend of mine, strictly just sex, he's actually a mutual friend between my ex fiance and I. His name is Aaron, and I know he wants me strictly for sex, and I want him strictly for sex as well, it's incredible sex. Something about the fact that he wants me purely for my body and sexual capabilities makes me feel good about myself. We had sex for the second time ever yesterday, it was incredible, he picked me up and put me on the counter, then picked me up and carried me to the bedroom, it's the first time anyone has ever made me feel ... good about myself? sexually? I'm not entirely sure how to describe it. Normally sex is just in the bedroom, watching a movie and then teasing starts, sex happens, movie is watched during and continued after. With him, it's like a scene from the movie. I walk in, he looks at me, moves toward me and grabs me. He makes me feel like I'm sexy. He admires my body and not because he loves my personality (like most boyfriends). The sex was incredible, he pushed me beyond my limits, normally when I've had too much I say stop and the person does, end of story, but he pushed and it was the best sex of my life. My previous "record" was 45 minutes of sex, with him it went on for an hour and a half and I was still good to keep going! Not sure how that's possible... He also gave me the best massage of my life. He was struggling to keep going and he told me to lay on my stomach, I figured to have sex from behind, but he says to get comfy and gives me a pillow, then proceeds to give me an incredible deep tissue massage.. I swear, it was the best massage I've had and I've had a professional massage before. There's something about the raw sexuality of the situation that always makes me feel so good about myself.. It's something I've never done before. I only ever have sex with people I'm dating/have dated.. this, this is all new territory for me. There's something about him that makes me want to jump his bones all the time, I have a burning desire that I've never felt before but have always heard my friends talk about and could never comprehend. It's likely that all of this is related to my bipolar disorder, realistically everything in my life is related to it, but I don't see the harm in having a little fun with a friend. especially if we're both single. Next step, meet with a doctor to discuss alternative birth control, something other than the pill / nuva-ring... my body hates additional hormones. I think hormone testing is in order to discover the real problem. 
 
Against all odds, still sober!! Which really, holy crap! I had the perfect opportunity to consume alcohol and I didn't, I stayed strong, and I don't have cravings!!
 
Bipolar fun - started this journal super depressed and emotionless and suddenly I'm ... elated ? hmm... No reason to be one over the other. Yay BPD!