FATHER'S DAY
I went to see my son yesterday for father's day and thought that it would be good for me and him. Afterall, he lost his sister. He is so worried about me. I don't want him to be, he's grieving in his own way and he has two beautiful kids and a wonderful wife getting him through this. Everyone keeps telling me that I have to live for them. All I kept thinking of yesterday watching my grandchildren playing and going in the pool is "Look at what she is missing" Look at what she gave up"
I can't believe that I will ever get over the feeling that my love was not enough to keep her here. We were so close. It's as if I am having a battle with myself. My emtions. I really don't care about life right now. She was everything to me. We did everything together. My life is so empty. I love my son and grandchildren so so much. I have a fantastic daughter in law and a wonderful sister and best friend taking good care of me. I am empty. When I left there last night I cried in the car all the way home. It would be so much easier to not wake up every day. I can't see myself enjoying life again. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I know that I could never do to my family what Jackie did to us. She turned a lot of lives upsidedown. She left all of us grieving. I'm going to my first support group tomorrow night. And maybe I'll go to a grief counselor. I don't know how talking is going to make me feel better. Nothing will ever be the same.
I can't believe that I will ever get over the feeling that my love was not enough to keep her here. We were so close. It's as if I am having a battle with myself. My emtions. I really don't care about life right now. She was everything to me. We did everything together. My life is so empty. I love my son and grandchildren so so much. I have a fantastic daughter in law and a wonderful sister and best friend taking good care of me. I am empty. When I left there last night I cried in the car all the way home. It would be so much easier to not wake up every day. I can't see myself enjoying life again. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and I know that I could never do to my family what Jackie did to us. She turned a lot of lives upsidedown. She left all of us grieving. I'm going to my first support group tomorrow night. And maybe I'll go to a grief counselor. I don't know how talking is going to make me feel better. Nothing will ever be the same.
Replies
No, nothing will ever be the same. And everything, EVERYTHING, you\'re feeling I have felt and do feel. My daughter left me a long, loving letter. There is no blame placed on me, in fact she exonerated me by telling me I was the \"light of her life\" and that she loved me \"deeply and sincerely\". My dear friend, your daughter did love you just as mine loved me. She and I were as close as you and your daughter. But the suffering they endured was bigger than life. People in great pain, either physical or mental or both, don\'t leave their loved ones, they escape the torment. Because suicide isn\'t a rational act, thoughts about consequences to others don\'t occur. My daughter was everything to me, also; my life is also empty. I cry in the car, have cried in the supermarket, I even started crying while scrubbing the oven racks in my new apartment yesterday. This is a roller coaster ride. It\'s been said to me by many and I will say it to you: baby steps, one hour at a time. Avoid self blame and self condemnation, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG and NOTHING you did said didn\'t do didn\'t say had anything to do with your daughter\'s choice. Feeling abandoned, even betrayed, and feeling angry are NORMAL. Thinking your child couldn\'t have loved you or they wouldn\'t have done this is NORMAL, but it isn\'t TRUE, none of it is true. I recommended Therese Rando\'s book to you and I urge you to buy it. You\'ll see yourself in those pages and understand the normalcy of what you think and feel, IT WILL HELP YOU. We will be \"new\" people having survived a dreadful, unthinkable reality. Everything you\'re experiencing is normal for this unwanted, ugly journey. It does get \"gentler\", I\'m close to four months now and my grief is changing. I know it will always be there, in some form. I will always love my daughter and she still loves me because she is not \"gone\", she is \"changed\", as is your daughter. Of course your son is worried about you, he loves you. But you CAN do this, you WILL do this. Find a grief counselor. Be sure the group you attend is led properly, if you leave feeling worse, don\'t go back. And keep posting.
Nothing will ever be the same...but that does not mean that there can\'t be happiness. It has been 4 years for Alex, my son...and I do have happiness. Do I miss him every day? Yes! Do I wish things were different...absolutely...but there are smiles and laughs and good times. You will feel them again...it just takes a long time. BTW...i remember thinking it would be okay if I died. I would never do anything to hurt myself...but...it would be okay if i died. I had never know such sorrow. In fact...I had never known sorrow until I lost Alex. Do the best you can...do not expect much from yourself...just get through each day. Take gentle care of yourself...love and hugs...karen
Ellzeena - Biowoman, again, thanks for your support. I went to my first meeting last night. \"Survivors After Suicide\". I was very happy I went. And I was very comfortable being in their company. I poured my heart out. There were fathers and mothers. 9 year survivors, 1 year survivors. I will continue to go and get a professional to see.